5 Reasons Why You Should Write A “Long-term Suicide” Note

I love eating breakfast at Shoney's
I love eating breakfast at Shoney’s

Dear Har-old,

Jobs confided in Sculley that he believed he would die young, and therefore he needed to accomplish things quickly so that he would make his mark on Silicon Valley history. “We all have a short period of time on earth,” he told the Sculleys as they sat around the table that morning. “We probably only have the opportunity to do a few things really great and do them well. None of us has any idea how long we’re going to be here, nor do I, but my feeling is I’ve got to accomplish a lot of these things while I’m young.”

What is a long-term suicide note? It’s the same as a standard suicide note with the exception of being written for a future date if you don’t achieve your ultimate goal in life. Har-old, here are 5 reasons on why you should let the ink from your pen bleed:

You WILL get things done faster!

Life is unfair! But what exactly IS the most unfair thing about life? Not knowing when you’re going to die! Shoulder-shrugging to this answer causes you to think you will live forever, especially being a young person. And when you think you will live forever, you got all the time in the world to do things. You’re slow to act. Compare this to older people. They achieve more. Why? It’s not because they have more experience, wisdom, or connections. It’s because they associate their old age with being closer to death. As a result, their productivity shoots through the roof!

Helps you be present

It’s a sticky note on your mirror. One of the first questions you should ask yourself every morning is, “If today was the last day of my life, would I want to do what I’m about to do today?” Wednesday? No! Thursday? No! Friday? No! WTF?! You want to know why you haven’t answered yes yet? Because often times you don’t even know what you’re going to do today. That’s called STILL not planning out your entire week every Saturday morning. 4-5 hours of planning will shield you from drifting, wasting time, and doing things out of boredom. It’s funny TODAY is in the middle of PAST and FUTURE because it definitely gets sandwiched like the thin slice of meat it is. The PAST is the BOTTOM bun for a reason. The FUTURE is the TOP bun so you can remove it to check the condition of the sandwich (you). Is the meat well-done? Is the cheese melted? Is there spit on your burger? Start eating without the bread. Give the sandwich of life more meat. Make today your bitch!

Puts you in control

Did you ask to be here? Take control from your parents and kill yourself. But not now, of course! Remember when you conducted that college survey for Yeebizan? Remember what you listened to because you was shy about pitching strangers your idea? Steve Jobs Stanford Commencement Speech! That part about death was the drive behind your fearlessness. No matter how cold the world is, you will always be naked out here. Accept death! YOU WILL DIE ONE DAY! I’m trying to turn that vague, mysterious “one day” into a clear, definite date. Remembering that day will put you in control of your fears. You’re wasting your time telling your parents you didn’t ask to be in this old cold world. Take back your control, rule the world, and go back to being a pain in the balls.

Suicide Pact

Associate with those that say, “If I don’t *insert ultimate goal* by the time I’m 50, I’m killing myself.” People say that jokingly. Well, hold them accountable! If they don’t take care of their responsibility, give them the Tyler Durden to Raymond treatment in the back of the convenience store and kill them if they’re not on their way to becoming a veterinarian in 6 weeks. I’m not playing!

Take advantage of your youth

Ugh! I feel like killing you right now for making me write this to begin with! I said this last October! You won’t have no youth to protect you if you keep waiting.

I don’t care what format it’s in. Read it every night if you write it. Listen to it every night if you record it. Watch it every night if you tape it.



P.S. These letters are about to get real interesting! Tags fantasy, science fiction, and movies are coming soon!



5 thoughts on “5 Reasons Why You Should Write A “Long-term Suicide” Note”

    1. And i’m digging the 3 exclamation marks!!! I appreciate the feedback. And I’m not sure if that was you who shared on Google+ and Facebook, but if so, thanks for the motivation to produce similar content.


  1. Genius how I found that Steve Jobs quote. Although, I had the book, I searched Google because the bio is 500+ pages and I just knew I wasn’t gone find it. After Google failed me, I just turned a few pages in the book while scanning for key words and found it. Meant to be!


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