The Crowds of Black People Serial Slasher

I treated the birthday me to breakfast at Taco Bell.
I treated the birthday me to breakfast at Taco Bell.

Content Warning: The following post contains racism.

An undercover sting operation to catch the “Crowds of Black People Serial Slasher” has backfired on the Philadelphia Police Department (PPD) as 19 officers convalesce from stab wounds at Thomas Jefferson University Hospital tonight.

The first known incident happened on April 9, 2014 when 11 African-Americans were walking South Street and the person in front mentioned he felt pain coming from his sides. He put his hands on his hips and felt moisture. He was bleeding. “We all took our hoodies off and handed them to him to stanch the bleeding,” one of the members said. Assuming their own sides was hurting from the physical exertion of trying to stop the flow and that the blood on their clothes was from their friend, they didn’t realize they were in the same dire need of help until one by one they fainted due to a loss of blood. 3 died. All 11 were stabbed multiple times. “We didn’t see anyone coming at us. We was just going about our business then all of a sudden everybody felt pain and started bleeding,” said one of the remaining members. This is the same story survivors of other group slashes have told Philadelphia detectives in the past 2 months. They did not know they had been stabbed.

Like a potato on gun muffles the sound, from examining the stab wounds on victims, detectives believe the “Crowds of Black People Serial Slasher” uses a kitchen knife that has butter on the edge to postpone the immediacy of pain and blood. As for the UnSub, detectives believes he or she is African-American themselves for their ability to fit in and never stand out from the crowd, extremely adept at crowd psychology, congenial to the point where you believe you have been knowing them for years and wears at least “3 everyday outfits” simultaneously incase a change of clothes is necessary to blend in. As for the process, he/she only targets crowds of at least 10 or more people, particularly African-Americans, as this has been the only ethnic involved thus far. No one individual has been stabbed in the city of Brotherly Love since the first reported incident in April, which prompted the PPD, in a news conference, urging the public to walk alone if they go out with a group. This has resulted in car-drivers and neighboring residents calling 911 with disturbing-the-peace complaints, as people are trying to hold a conversation from opposing ends of the street, yelling. A group of a dozen who lost their voice from such a shouting match ignored the law and decided to walk together but carried knives for protection. This led to their false imprisonment as police thought one of them or all of them was the  “Crowds of Black People Serial Slasher.”

Many celebrities have canceled mass-gathering performances in Pennsylvania as a whole until the serial stabber is captured after musician Miguel was reported saying he had to sing his hit single “Adorn” to 30,000 people … one by one. Tweets from the singer’s fans differ by gender. With female fans saying Miguel wrote the song just for them, leading to confusion and Twitter Beef when one woman saw another post something similar. Miguel’s male fans in Philly have dwindled significantly since the concert because the 1 on 1 time made them feel gay. One user, @ShutYoDumbAssUp tweeted, “I didn’t like the way he was looking in my eyes while he was singing, dog. He could’ve starred in space for 2 minutes of the song. It was a lot of it, you know.”

The 19 officers stabbed were able to immediately feel pain from the buttery knife because they prepped using a strategy called “In My Feelings.” Documents show some officers got jealous over their wife calling other guys on Facebook cute. Others let the provocative comments of men on their wives’ Instagram photos anger them. However, the “In My Feelings” technique didn’t prove effective as neither officer saw the suspect get-away. Detectives believe in this case the serial slasher probably blended in with them on the ground pretending to be in pain, lying with ketchup stains on shirt.

Although, there is a million dollar reward for the tip leading to the arrest of the “Crowded Room Killer,” (the non-racist nickname) the PPD reported few call-ins, suspecting many hate crowds of black people, but may love them individually.

We will keep you updated as this story progresses. Stay tuned!

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