Hey, I’m down here! A San Francisco woman who intentionally rammed a man’s car during an argument over a parking spot was unlikely to be caught due to the victim’s inability to describe the make of her car and its license plate number. The man was so focused on her low-cut dress, police said, “he was only able to give a detailed description of the suspect’s cleavage.” In a surprising turn of events, the woman was pulled over a few days afterwards for cutting off another driver and flipping them off. Officer Richard Dick, who made the stop, said, “As I was talking to her, she kept poking her chest out. She gave me the impression she was trying to manipulate her way out of the ticket. I told her to stop doing that because I’m gay. She didn’t even act like she didn’t know what she was doing. She just deflated and released the posture. That made me recall the ramming incident in the parking lot at Haight. So, I brought her in for a lineup to see if the alleged victim could identify her.”
According to the San Francisco Police Department, the man was happy they got a lead in the case because he just bought the car and he didn’t want to pay for damages someone else was responsible for. All the women wore a low-cut dress. Officer Dick said, “After 15 minutes of careful observation of the women in the lineup, the man said, ‘I’m sorry, but all I can remember are her breasts. I’ll know them when I see them. They were distinct. May I? It will help me remember.’ ” The department reluctantly (or willingly) agreed. The man requested each of the women to say, “Ram me! Rear-end me!” Even with this, the man was still having trouble identifying which of the women rammed his new car. “He asked could he be left alone for a few minutes because it was still hard for him to concentrate,” said Officer Dick. The department agreed without suspicion, however, after he asked could the women see him behind the two-way mirror, they told him they had to put him in handcuffs for the few minutes he wanted to be “left alone,” just incase he did anything “inappropriate” with his hands.
When the officers came back in, he told them it was definitely woman number 4 and tried to quickly walk out the room. Officer Dick said, “He tried to rush out. I stopped him so I could see if that was the same woman I pulled over. I couldn’t see the women in the lineup the mirror had so much fog on it. But when I wiped the glass off I saw it was definitely the same woman.”
The San Francisco Police Department said despite the fog, they will NOT launch an investigation of the man’s “activities” while he was alone because its IMPOSSIBLE he did anything “inappropriate” while in handcuffs.
An Italian man accidentally bit off his pinky finger in a nasty phone argument with his girlfriend. The man was using hi-Call, which is a blue-tooth talking glove that allows you to talk through your hand. The left glove’s pinky features a microphone, while the thumb features a speaker. “I don’t like hearing what she has to say,” he said. “I have a habit of taking the phone off my ear and shouting at it. I do that because I can’t take the hurtful things she says when we fight. I could still hear her words coming out of my thumb. I became so mad I went from being blinded by love to a blind rage and forgot my pinky was resting on my bottom lip. As I was saying ‘I wish I could come through this phone and choke you’ my head violently jerked forward while my mouth was wide open and as my teeth was clamping down.”
The man said he plans on suing hi-Fun for not making the gloves thick enough. In a response statement, Hi-Fun wrote, “We are very saddened to know such a freakish incident happened using one of our products. However, we are not responsible for Mr. Andolini childish and careless behavior. We have spoken to the girlfriend. She said, ‘He liked talking in his hands so much that he thought only using them for winter was stupid so he found out a way to use the technology without the gloves.’ Therefore, hi-Fun has every reason to suspect Mr. Andolini was NOT using our gloves, which are 95% polyacrylonitrile, 3% cotton, 2% polyester, when he verbally attacked his girlfriend on the phone. However, in light of this situation-him wanting to use our technology beyond winter because the concept is so cool-we suspect others will do the same and involve us in more silly lawsuits. So, we have decided to refocus on who are our true customers are-children. Way before us kids were already making the ‘ring ring’ noise with their mouth and talking into their hands. And most importantly, they don’t have teeth.”
Anonymous blogging has cost one woman her relationship of 21 days. J, as he is called in the blog, IMissMyBoyfriend.com, went to sleep one night on the right side of the bed; reserving the left side for his girlfriend, K, as she calls herself on the blog. However, he woke up in the middle of the bed; girlfriend on neither side. He looked across the room and saw a familiar sight: his girlfriend’s head on top of her laptop’s keyboard as if it was a pillow. He told us, “She’s been falling asleep at her computer ever since we’ve been together. I’m always picking her up and putting her in the bed the next morning then going back to sleep myself. This time I wanted to do things differently and see what the hell she’s always working on.” He said, “After I put her in the bed, I sat down at her computer and started reading. I scanned all the headlines and it was all these posts about her missing me. It felt good for 5 seconds then I became disturbed when I realized I haven’t been on vacation. I haven’t been nowhere. At least not from her. We’re always together. We even work and go to school together. Then I started reading some of the posts and it was all about me scratching my ass and farting in my sleep and how I kept tossing and turning and how she was crying her eyes out because she missed me. I’m fucking three feet away you psycho!!! In one post, she said she experimented and blogged from the living room while I slept in the bedroom. She wrote she missed me so much she started crying so loud she woke me. Yeah, I remember this night. I jumped out of bed to ask her what was wrong and she said … nothing! To make matters worse, she even recorded videos of this crap. The fuck!!! It got 74,638 views. Who the fuck are you sick people?!?! I felt so embarrassed and so self-conscious. Who wants to know they snore??? I felt used. I don’t know if it was because she had writer’s block, was overly attached, a social media addict, or just a fucking psycho, but I had to put a restraining order on her that says she has to be a lot more than 3 feet away from me.”
Leukemia, throat cancer, and respiratory illnesses are on the rise. Winds were so high in Memphis, number 9 on America’s Dirtiest Cities list, that it kept a 11XL black garbage bag suspended in the air for hours. To make matters worse, in one neighborhood, unsuspecting children who were walking home from school were attacked when this mysterious black garbage bag, as if possessed, started following them. The children didn’t notice they were being followed until some sort of strange green slime poured on top of one of their heads (yes, trash was still in the bag). The children scattered in opposite directions, however, the wind was so fierce that the 11XL garbage bag was flying flat, allowing it to cover as much ground as possible. Empty-Dominoes-pizza-boxes-with-nothing-but-the-crust-inside was among the trashed items the garbage bag used as weapons on the kids. Adult witnesses who tried to grab and step on the bag, whenever it did temporarily touch the ground, were met with defeat as the bag kept blowing out of reach as if it was a dollar on a string. A 7’1 man who happened to be in the area walking his dog was of no use, as his knees were bad (but you didn’t have to jump; you could’ve just thrown your hands in the air and waved ’em like you just don’t care).
The children, the victims of this heinous crime are reported being “traumatized” by the experience. One mother of one of the boys said she told her son to take out the garbage 3 days later and he just broke down and started crying. He may never throw anything away again. Looks like Ilya Kabakov’s character may have come to life.
Although, this is a horrific incident, maybe, just maybe, there is some plus in this. Maybe now instead of having a measly $10 litter fine for flicking a cigarette butt to worry about, they have their kids to worry about. So the next time you see a person getting ready to flick it, just walk up to them and ask, “But what about the babies?”
After The Belleville Chief of Police banned his officers from eating at a local Denny’s, he said, “Officers will go to Denny’s if they receive a service call.”
That statement was put to the test when two armed homeless men stuck the place up. They robbed every customer that was present – including a six-year-old’s imaginary friend Visibull – not just of what was in the cash registers at Denny’s, but also, of what was in the kitchen: Macho Nacho Burgers, Smothered Cheese Fries, and All You Can Eat Pancakes was among the menu items the thieves forced the Denny’s employees to fix. One of the cooks said, “I have never cooked a Slow-Cooked Pot Roast that fast.”
The manager, who told five on-duty-out-of-uniform detectives they couldn’t have their guns in Denny’s, was the same one who pressed the “hold-up button” to alert Belleville Police they were being robbed. The manager told us, “The response time was very, very slow. Then when they finally arrived, they just waited out in the parking lot. Then finally one of the officers got on the blow horn and said, ‘Let us know when you have the situation under control. We would come in, however, we can’t because we’re armed.’ ”