Tag Archives: food

When Your Weight Fluctuates …

Fat & Skinny

Why you always gotta be accused of doing drugs when you lose or gain weight?

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WordPressident #5

From the back of the line
Like the perpendicular symbol
To the middle of the line
Like lowercase t
Now at the front of the line
Like a tittle
999,999 29-year-old chiropractors behind me
I’m the million dollar baby
But I think outside the box
That’s why it only took 3 moves in line to connect the dots
At the back I was puzzled and didn’t know my way around the kitchen
Now I see the big picture but the wall it’s on got grease stains this one is from chicken
This one from fish
This one from fries
But everything taste like paint and wood
At least it don’t taste like cardboard
I been working at warehouses so long it’s starting to fuck with my taste buds
Even the drinks hot
What good is a cocktail umbrella in a glass of Capri Sun Roaring Waters
Or when you’re still paying more for the 20 ounce than ya are for the 2 liter
Refrigerator vs. fridge
Who put the D in the box with an inch that put mileage on … Aww fucking cold too many warehouse references I quit

FY,

Har+new

💋✌🏾

Virtual Hug to the *girl* I *wonder* about … Darryan

Horny & Hungry

Har-old, why are thoughts of sex and food clothed with action faster than any other idea crying for diapers in your head? We have a problem! A big fucking problem! When you’re horny, you don’t masturbate/have sex. When you’re hungry, you don’t eat. Yeah, that seems like the natural thing to do, however, when you firmly believe ejaculation affects productivity and food affects mood then transmutation becomes an acquired taste. I mean, just what if you disconnected your thoughts and actions when it came to sex and food. Say, you thought of food/sex like you normally do, but instead of acting on them you spirit your attention on the ideas you procrastinate on. Hunger and concupiscent energy are the keys to action. This can be for ANY action; not always the one that’s natural.

Another thing. Don’t try to break faith with the food affects mood and ejaculation affects productivity philosophy. Napoleon Hill is already in your head. I don’t wanna hear about the fat rich man or the billionaire playboy. They’re them and you are you! Tell me something … what does the days you’ve checked off almost or all the things on your Daily Schedule have in common?

 

 

 

 

“Lil’ Girl Go Get Your Mama”

Based on a true story

Taco Bell – Good morning. What can I get for you today?
Sonny – Waffle Taco Sausage and AM Crunchwrap Steak.
Taco Bell – Ok. That will be $5.44.
Sonny – *squints at screen and sees BCN* No! I said AM Crunchwrap STEAK!
Taco Bell – I’m sorry. I thought you said bacon.

30 minutes later …

Taco Bell – Here you go.
Sonny – Thanks.

*Car pulls off*

Sonny – *checks bag* THIS IS NOT IT!

*Car skirts*

Sonny – *jumps out car, storms in restaurant* Hey, hey … you gave me a hashbrown in place of my Waffle Taco Sausage!!!
Taco Bell – *cook comes out* What’s wrong?
Sonny – I ordered a Waffle Taco Sausage and AM Crunchwrap Bacon. No I mean Sausage. No! STEAK! You got me messing up. You gave me a hashbrown and AM Crunchwrap Bacon. Dammit! STEAK!
Taco Bell – I’m sorry. Give me one minute to correct this, sir.

43 minutes later …

Sonny – *on tippy toes, peaking in kitchen to make sure no saliva is being added*
Taco Bell – Here you go, sir. Again I do apologize for that.
Sonny – *thinks to self* They ought to give me back that hashbrown if they really sorry. I’m gone be late for work!

9 hours later …

Subway – What can I get for you today, sir?
Sonny – Footlong Italian Herbs and Cheese bread.
Subway – *pulls out bread* What kind of sandwich?
Sonny – Meatball Marinara. Add pepperoni.
Subway – You gone have to get a 6-inch.
Sonny – *confused look* What? Why?
Subway – We only have 4 meatballs.
Sonny – *looks behind* Four? You can go ahead of me, mam.
Lady – Thanks. I want the …
Sonny – *looks in cookie section* Yall out of cookies, too?
Subway – That’s all we have, man.
Sonny – All y’all have? I don’t see nothing. *leans back* Oh those 3. Will y’all be cooking anymore meatballs?
Subway – We have some in the back but they’re froze. If you want to sit down and wait, I can unthaw them for you?
Sonny – Nahhhh that’s okay. Will y’all be putting anymore cookies out?
Subway – No. It’s the end of day.
Sonny – *checks watch* *thinks to self* They don’t close for another 3 hours??? *shakes head* You can go ahead of me, sir.
Man – Thanks. Let me get the …
Sonny – *plays background, looking at above menu* *thinks to self* Damn! All I ever get is the meatball. I don’t want to experiment.

25 minutes later …

Sonny – I can’t decide. I give up! I’m going somewhere else. *storms out restaurant*

11 minutes later …

Yums – Hi. What can I get for you today?
Sonny – *thinks to self* This lil’ 13 year old girl gone take my order? They must be training their daughter?  Ok. Steak, Egg, Cheese footlong. Just mayo, lettuce and pickle on it. And I want a season fry.

27 minutes later …

Yums – Here you go.
Sonny – Thanks. *thinks to self* Hmmm … With the day I had I bet not leave out this restaurant without checking my food. *unwraps sandwich packaging, checks food* What the hell is this on my bread?!?!
Sonny – LIL’ GIRL GO GET YOUR MAMA!
Yums – What’s wrong?
Sonny – You see this? I got MOLD on the edges of my bread!
Yums – Oooh. We get you another one.

42 minutes later …

Yums – Here you go, sir. Sorry for that.
Sonny – *thinks to self* I know it’s unlikely since I put them on notice but what if they did it again? *sits sandwich on table and unwraps it.*
Yums – *nervously looks on*
Sonny – *thinks to self* Everything looks okay. Now how the hell I wrap this back up? How they do it? Umm … *attempts and fails* DAMMIT I’M GOING GROCERY SHOPPING!

Memphis Restaurant Auctions off Princes William, Harry Dirty Dishes

image

Memphis, TN — 3 lucky people of a crowd of more than 100 gastronomic voyeurists that gathered on the sidewalk outside Charles Vergos’ Rendezvous went home with Prince Harry, Prince William souvenirs.

According to reports, restaurant owner John Vergos – who was still in his apron after the princes’ security whisked them away around 11 p.m Thursday night – greeted royal fans standing atop chair. “He told us while the inside was very different and comfortable and how they fed presidents, rock stars, and now princes, that those are once in a lifetime customers. He said we are the regular everyday folks. He apologized to anybody that had reservations and if security harrassed us. He offered to make it up to us by selling us the unwashed dishes of the 175 people at the pre-wedding dinner,” said, onlooker Darla Chapman. “But everybody only cared about the princes. Well, it was this one guy who shouted his admiration of Lizzie. He thought it would be cool to clean the plate of Kemmon Wilson’s granddaughter. I guess he really likes staying at the Holiday Inn,” continued Chapman.

All 3 aforementioned winners were vacationing. Either in town for the Grizzlies game 6 against the Thunder or the Memphis in May festival. Londoner Victoria Springall, who was one of the winners, said she was going to lick her slaw and beans infested plate. “It’s going to be like I’m kissing Harry, she giggled. Oklahoma native Nicholas Pegues said carrying a half-full glass of Prince William’s Jack Daniels was the longest walk he ever took in his life. “I was 30 minutes from the hotel normal walking but I had to slow walk. Probably took me 2 hours. I scared I gone spill the booze. It had some of the princes’ saliva in it, dude,” said Pegues. To everyones surprise, Cincinati winner Jessica Gertler said she was actually going to wash her Prince William’s BBQ-stained plate. “Well, I never do the dishes. My husband is always fussing at me about it. When he comes home tonight I want to make him drop his suitcase when he sees me in the kitchen scrubbing all these barbecue stains. I can’t wait ’til he ask me what did I do with the real Jessica.”

The crowd was set to scatter in all directions when the last prince’s dirty dish was sold, however, owner Vergos urged them to not leave and tried giving them a hard-sell on the benefits of the dishes of the other 173 people. The once-friendly crowd turned into an angry mob and accused Vergos of trying to sell the dishes because he and his staff didn’t want to wash them. Afraid of being shouted down from his chair, Vergos admitted it. “You can’t blame me for trying.”

Built on top of:
Photos: Glimpes into Prince Harry, William Memphis Visit (WREG)

Would you buy the dirty dishes of your favorite celebrity? Why or why not?

I decided against publishing the Passport Bear excerpt tomorrow

Happy 3 year Blogiversary Futuristically Yours

Watching Other People Eat April Fools Prank

*breakroom chatter*

March 29, 2014

Dominic – Hey Gerald, you want one of my chicken tenders?
Gerald – Nah, I’m okay.
Dominic – You sure?
Gerald – Yeah, I’m sure.
Dominic – Come on, man, take 3 of these french fries.
Gerald – It’s too much salt on it. Next time.

March 30, 2014

Debra – Hey Gerald, I got some chips and tuna I haven’t touched yet. Want it?
Gerald – Oooh cheddar cheese … my favorite … uhhh thanks but no thanks.
Debra – Sure?
Gerald – Yeah I’m sure. I’m on a diet.

March 31, 2014

Marie – *slides a yogurt and plastic fork across the table*
Gerald – Aww! I appreciate this. I really do but I don’t want it. I’m okay. Really.
Marie – It’s yours.
Gerald – I appreciate it but I won’t be finish in time. I gotta get back on the floor. *slides the yogurt and fork across table and leaves*
Marie – Come on …

April 1, 2014

Trevor – Now I know everyone is wondering why I gathered you here for this impromptu meeting. So let me get right into it because I don’t know how much longer Kyle can distract Gerald. We got 5 minutes until lunch. Okay, Gerald has worked here for 6 months and no one has ever seen him eat on lunchbreak. He just sits there and watch us.
Some guy in back – Makes me uncomfortable.
Some other guy – I know! It’s awkward as heck! He can at least pretend to be looking at his phone …
Some girl – Or bring a book!
Some other guy – … but he just stares at us eating with no shame!
Trevor – Yes. And I’m sure over the last 6 months everyone in this room has offered to share their food with Gerald at one time or another.
Debra – Nobody turns down Aunt D tuna and lives to tell about it.
Trevor – I have deduced Gerald is addicted to porn … food porn. And he gets off watching other people eat!
Laura – Oh my God!
Trevor – Today is April Fools and we’re going to get him back for using our lip smacking and straw sucking for his sick pleasure.
Tawonda – Have you noticed he don’t get up like everybody else to clock back in for lunch?
Martha – Un-huh I know why he can’t stand up. Un-huh. I know why.
Avery – Now I think about it … that wasn’t a cough. He was moaning.
Laura – Oh my God!
Trevor – I gave Gerald $10 yesterday and told him to use it for his lunch today. He said he was gone get Subway. Now I want everybody to hide their lunch and when he sits down to eat, we all just gone stare at him seductively licking our lips.
Kenny – Haha. This good!
Kyle – *runs in breakroom* Okay, y’all he’s coming. He’s right behind me.
Trevor – POSITIONS!
Gerald – *walks into breakroom* Sup everybody! Look what I got! Haha! Subway! Pepperoni Meatball Marinara and peanut butter cookies. Haha! Sup Debra you brought some more Tuna? Haha. *takes bite out sandwich*
Some girl – *moans*
Gerald – *thinks to self* What the … aww probably a weird cough. *takes another bite*
Some other girl – Yesssss!
Gerald – *thinks to self* Somebody asked her a question? *shrugs shoulder* *takes another bite*
Dude in back – What’s my name, girl?
Gerald – *thinks to self* He forgot his … *looks up from food*
Everybody in breakroom – *staring seductively, licking corners of mouth*
Gerald – Why the fuck everybody looking at me like that? What the hell? Where y’all lunch at??? Bruce, Kelly, Nikki, Robert? Cameron you got drool dripping on the damn table, man.
Trevor – You said you was getting a footlong but you brought in that lil’ ass 6 inch?
Some girl in back – That’s what he said!
Everybody in breakroom – *laughing*
Gerald – *runs out breakroom*