999 puzzle pieces pour deliciously on the coffee table
The thousandth ran 2 laps on the grounds before coming to a calm post
The irregular shape of the piece against the perfect tiles makes it look like a spill from this height
Instead of water treating my head line, heart line, and life line, like a finish line, and racing through it like a hare, the shape of this puzzle piece has the profile of a baby tortoise upon slower analysis
“Turtles taste like cardboard” I expressed so I tucked in my puck
Roasting myself like, “You’re such a beanhead for letting that partner of theirs persuade you into spending Starbucks on a 3D puzzle instead of a flat white”
That pile of puzzle pieces sitting atop the mocha lava colored table is sculpted like a volcano, or did those cardboards just fall out the cardboard that way?
Maybe that’s why this turquoise turtle turned course? Poor little thing doesn’t know how to protect itself with its totally coarse shell yet.
Sugar dugar, I’m why your puzzle piece is missing
I have stolen a piece out of every puzzle made since 1991. The piece that most resembles a baby turtle. Don’t ask me how I do it. I don’t share my process with teenagers, mutants, or ninjas.
I was just a weird little zombie kid who wanted pet turtles
Because the pieces were all from different puzzles I never attempted to fill in the blanks with the tabs
Then one day during a commercial break of The Walking Dead I tried out of boredom and something amazing happened …
Best Buy asks customers suffering from any form of memory loss to sleep in cars instead of camping outside stores after man misses Black Friday sale thinking he’s in the woods.
In hopes of not getting his fist in cuffs because of fisticuffs over cuffing the last DVD of F.I.S.T. like last year, a Texas man skips Thanksgiving with his family in order to not skip any strangers in line. The decision was over a television, but 38-year-old Gater Raid is no LeBron James. “I’m just a guy who wanted to save $300 on a 50-inch.” But after not 1, not 2, not 3, not 4, not 5, not 6, not 7 calls from his wife fustigating him over his choice, Gater Raid started drinking heavily.
“I must’ve woke up hung over. My head was hurting so bad I didn’t remember a thing I did last night. I only found out ‘cause of my morning breath. I woke up startled like a kid in Sims 4 when you cancel the sleep action. I didn’t know why I was in a tent. I didn’t know why bells where ringing (Salvation Army), why people were yelling. I thought I was still asleep and dreaming. I peeked out the tent and saw everyone running from something. After I saw all those little chicken legs I quickly jerked my head back inside ‘cause I was afraid of seeing a giant turkey chasing them. Maybe they missed Thanksgiving too and it wanted revenge? I don’t know. I looked around to find my phone so I could call police. When I couldn’t find it that’s when I knew I was in the woods ‘cause I never take any electronics with me on camping trips. I found the courage to poke my head out again, and this time, extended my neck a little further and saw this purple tent with a table sitting in front of it. They had a banner with a cellphone on it. I ask have they called the cops. Said something about Boost Mobile not snitches and stuff. That’s when I realized I was in front of Best Buy and it was Black Friday.”
As of writing, Best Buy or any other store haven’t reported any similar incidents and Raid’s wife would not give any details on what she is getting her husband for Christmas. The staff here at Futuristically Yours doesn’t know if that’s due to the tradition of the holiday or if that means she’s not getting him shit. Sorry readers!
What did you buy on Black Friday?
- TITLE: You are what you eat
- LENGTH: 30 sec – 1 min
- PRODUCT: Whopper
- WRITER: Har+new
This is a dual column screenplay where the description of the action would be on the left and the dialogue on the right, but since I don’t have that feature (some plug-in) in my post editor so I’m going to utilize the horizontal line.
Two men pull out chairs from a dining table.
“You mind sitting in the next seat.”
“You act as if I’m sitting in the next seat and not the one across from you.”
“Well, I would rather you sit in the next seat than the one directly in from of me because then your bright red hair wouldn’t be blocking my view and those clown feet wouldn’t be stepping on mines.”
As both men are sitting down, a server brings them their food on trays.
“Dude, you ordered 6 cheeseburgers?! You better chill. You know you are what you eat with each bite, right?”
Second man unwraps one of his sandwiches and it is revealed to be BURGER KING in a red bubbly font between two shiny buns (the logo). After he takes his first bite the server puts a royal robe over his shoulders. After he takes his 2nd bite the server puts a crown on his head. After 3rd bite the server pulls up a throne. As the man sits in his new seat and is about to take the 4th bite, the server, who is a woman, snatches the sandwich out his hand. The server sits in the chair next to him and starts feeding and fanning him with her hand. After watching all of this in confusion, the second man runs back to the counter.
“Welcome to Burger King, would you like to try our …”
“Shut up and take my money! I want everything on the menu!”
“Sir, are you sure? You know you are what you eat, right?”
The man turns his head, looking back at his table where the server is still feeding his friend.
Secret handshake doorknob fingernail in keyhole
Secret shhh sounds of the ocean fisheye lens peephole
Door opens ehhh ship my pants watching shit’s creek/creak flow
Crying a river tears salty crackers Soylent Green is people
We gotta stop them somehow, Detective Thorn stood tall
I’m doing my part, making good calls
Like when this hood broad stripped everything she could off, unhooked bras
On cam nudes tons/Cam Newton captioned one photo “load my box with your foot…balls”
I said they don’t call me Passport Bear for nothing/nuttin’ and took off
Leave need ta fish her/Lenita Fisher troubled water is the place to be
Gotta do what I can do/candle too much pondering and it’s too late/lake for me
Cause some pool shark already dock ter/daughter and if the current don’t leave the cat alone uh/Catalonia like a bat I’m gone ’cause I can handle one but two not what my population needs
Come on safety please, talks of moving on, boyfriend trails her/trailer making me
Think Ock her man/Aquaman not in the picture I guess I gotta wait and see/sea
March 25th? Try April, these …
Matters are very taxing, an-noying
The one word that stopped country grammar from being the black girl with the Asian name boyfriend
Thought I took an arrow to the heart, fun gurney/journey adventure
It’s funny cause she has a knee problem as if she took one and got injured
I mean, was I wrong for thinking joint venture?
If somebody came back in your life after 3, 4 years wouldn’t you think y’all would go from natural to dentures?
And before you declare me a dead man coming for my chin cause I went at your shins you should know I’m a leg man
And whether true or false you called yourself Aquafina because you stay wet mam
I don’t go chasing waterfalls like them scrubs you use to my humor is just deadpan
Dish it out but can’t take it
Expressionless at who ya wanna leave faceless
So when you see me form a fist I’ma steal on ya and yell I GOT YA NOSE
Then pull that stick out like a sore thumb and beat you so bad with it POP ya whole …
family tree fall like leaves except timber/September she ought umm/Autumn roll
But before I say goodbye no wordplay Saela I miss ya
I rather write a third poem than a third blog war, dismissal/this missile
Kiss Peace 💋✌🏾
Memphis, TN — 3 lucky people of a crowd of more than 100 gastronomic voyeurists that gathered on the sidewalk outside Charles Vergos’ Rendezvous went home with Prince Harry, Prince William souvenirs.
According to reports, restaurant owner John Vergos – who was still in his apron after the princes’ security whisked them away around 11 p.m Thursday night – greeted royal fans standing atop chair. “He told us while the inside was very different and comfortable and how they fed presidents, rock stars, and now princes, that those are once in a lifetime customers. He said we are the regular everyday folks. He apologized to anybody that had reservations and if security harrassed us. He offered to make it up to us by selling us the unwashed dishes of the 175 people at the pre-wedding dinner,” said, onlooker Darla Chapman. “But everybody only cared about the princes. Well, it was this one guy who shouted his admiration of Lizzie. He thought it would be cool to clean the plate of Kemmon Wilson’s granddaughter. I guess he really likes staying at the Holiday Inn,” continued Chapman.
All 3 aforementioned winners were vacationing. Either in town for the Grizzlies game 6 against the Thunder or the Memphis in May festival. Londoner Victoria Springall, who was one of the winners, said she was going to lick her slaw and beans infested plate. “It’s going to be like I’m kissing Harry, she giggled. Oklahoma native Nicholas Pegues said carrying a half-full glass of Prince William’s Jack Daniels was the longest walk he ever took in his life. “I was 30 minutes from the hotel normal walking but I had to slow walk. Probably took me 2 hours. I scared I gone spill the booze. It had some of the princes’ saliva in it, dude,” said Pegues. To everyones surprise, Cincinati winner Jessica Gertler said she was actually going to wash her Prince William’s BBQ-stained plate. “Well, I never do the dishes. My husband is always fussing at me about it. When he comes home tonight I want to make him drop his suitcase when he sees me in the kitchen scrubbing all these barbecue stains. I can’t wait ’til he ask me what did I do with the real Jessica.”
The crowd was set to scatter in all directions when the last prince’s dirty dish was sold, however, owner Vergos urged them to not leave and tried giving them a hard-sell on the benefits of the dishes of the other 173 people. The once-friendly crowd turned into an angry mob and accused Vergos of trying to sell the dishes because he and his staff didn’t want to wash them. Afraid of being shouted down from his chair, Vergos admitted it. “You can’t blame me for trying.”
Built on top of:
•Photos: Glimpes into Prince Harry, William Memphis Visit (WREG)