Tag Archives: money

3 Reasons Why I Didn’t Start Playing The Lottery After My Uncle’s Winnings

I didn’t want to write this. I didn’t want to write this because I don’t want to be responsible for my uncle having 964 new cousins. But I have to write this. I have to write this to flush these annoying thoughts out of head in hopes of this shit sticking to the page. Thoughts like, “If I had that money I would buy this, I would buy that. I would do this, I would do that.” Why the hell am I counting and spending another man’s money?! I only did this probably twice in my life and the thoughts were in passing, but this time it’s been consistent ever since I was told. I know of millionaires and billionaires, but the key words are “know of.” I don’t truly know them. I never met them. I don’t know if they look like their pictures, if they’re shorter in person, if their breath stink. But this hit closer to home. A home I’ve been to countless times. A home I’ve spent the night at. A home I’ve spent holidays at. A home with a backyard I’m scared to go in because of a big ass black dog named Missy. Please, somebody tell me! What is this phenomenon called? Where something impactful (bad or good) happens to a relative and you think it happened to you too, like y’all share the same body, the same mind, the same lifestyle. It’s weird. And people, please take a harder look at your junk mail. I was cleaning up and shredding papers when I came across a check from a settlement payment. I was a Settlement Class Member in a class action lawsuit from the time I was employed at this warehouse. By the time I saw the check it was 3 weeks passed the 150 days I had to cash it. Only $13.07 but I needed that little money to go with some other little money to make some little big money, ya feel me? Sigh. Without further ado …

He deserved it.

He has a history of winning. In the mid 2000’s, he was rewarded $20,000 from a court settlement due to a job-related incident. Weeks after his recent lottery winnings of a half of million, he played again and won thousands. In the 90’s, he won over the heart of a woman who keeps my heart clogged up with lasagna and cheesecake: my aunt. Unfortunately, he also has a history of loss. In the early 2000’s, I lost my cousin, their first child together. 3 years ago, they were displaced after their apartment unit went up in flames.

I don’t believe in it.

The only time I ever used a coin, a key, a fingernail to scratch off a lottery ticket is when this car company sent me some mail that said if I get wam-wam-wam in a row I would win a truck. During this time I was naïve to marketing tactics companies use to get foot traffic in their store, so, of course, I got excited when I got wam-wam-wam in order. Know the first person I call? My favorite aunt. She took me to the dealership and I expected to leave off the lot in separate cars. The only thing I left with I didn’t come with was a sucker. No, seriously, they gave me some candy. I didn’t understand the symbolism behind that then, but as of writing, you better believe I do. Although, buying lottery tickets won’t break the bank it’s something I don’t want making my bank either. This has nothing to do with the horror stories you heard about past lotto winners. I’m an entrepreneur and I feel I have a better chance at selling a million scratch devices. Let me pitch you! What do you think of a newly designed coin used solely for scratching off the UV ink on lottery tickets? Instead of dead presidents and monuments no one really visits, how about on the front of the coin it’s a past lotto winner and on the back of the coin it’s a gas station? Insanely great, right? This will be your lucky coin, your lucky charm! 100 on 4 please!

It’s my way of pretending I never heard the news to begin with.

I’m not asking which convenience store he went to. I’m not asking which numbers he played. I’m not trying to act like I didn’t get mad that time he splashed water on me at the pool. I’m not trying to remind him of all the times he playfully asked me to borrow money when I was a kid. I’m not trying to sit around talking about basketball all day and how much I love LeBron James (I will confess my love for the King to any peasant). I’m not trying to educate my aunt on how dirt is more conspicuous on black cars and offer to wash her new Camaro, annnnnd ask to go for a spin in it. I’m not trying to babysit my cousin (their surviving child). My grandma never came over to my place that day and the first thing she said to me after not talking to me in 2 weeks was not “My favorite son-in-law just won $440,000 playing the lottery.” It’s none of my business! It’s none of my business! It’s none of YOUR business, woman!

Would you start playing the lottery after a family member won a significant amount of money? Why or why not?

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“What Did Big Girl Put In Snickers Home How Old Is Tupac Dead Guy”

 

 

FADE IN

INT. TAX OFFICE – NIGHT

Flatulence. Tax Man quietly reads the ingredients on the back of a Babe Ruth. As he unwraps the candy, it falls between his thighs, in the toilet. He jumps up. 

TAX MAN

Oh shit! Which one is which? 5 second rule, 5 second rule, 5 second rule. 4, 3, 2, THIS ONE! Yup, yup, roasted pea-

Tax Man hears knocking on the store’s door. He investigates.

CUSTOMER

Y’all closed? 

TAX MAN

No sir! We open. Just had the door locked while I was in the back.

CUSTOMER

[pulls handle] You gonnnneee … open it?

TAX MAN

[looks at watch. It’s 8PM. He notices the customer doesn’t have papers in his hand. He looks back at the customer’s car and sees a woman in the driver seat. She smiles. He smiles back.] Yeah, I’m gone open it. What is wrong with me? So how can I help you today?

CUSTOMER

I was wondering could y’all print off my 2013 W2.

TAX MAN

I’m new, and not sure. Let me make a call to my supervisor. Hold on!

SUPERVISOR

Hello.

TAX MAN

Yeah, I got a customer who wants to print off his 2013 W2. Is that in my abilities?

SUPERVISOR

I could walk you through it over the phone, but it’s gone take over 20 minutes. It’s best he goes to another location. Ask him does he live in the area.

TAX MAN

Sir, do you stay around the neighborhood?

CUSTOMER

Yeah.

TAX MAN

Yeah.

The SUPERVISOR gives the TAX MAN directions to a nearby store. Like something whispered into the thousandth ear, the TAX MAN says the directions wrong, which prompts the SUPERVISOR to say … 

SUPERVISOR

May I talk to him?

TAX MAN

Uhhh … yeah.

When TAX MAN hands CUSTOMER his phone, he turns around and walks towards the door, as if leaving. 

TAX MAN

*thinking* The hell?!?!

TAX MAN walks ahead CUSTOMER and stands to the side of the entrance in an inconspicuous fighting stance. CUSTOMER stops and talks to the SUPERVISOR. As he is getting the directions, he constantly smiles and says, “Yes mam.”  Anticipating the end of their conversation, the TAX MAN continuously raises his hand to get his phone back. 

CUSTOMER

Okay, thank you.

CUSTOMER hands TAX MAN his phone and walks out. TAX MAN immediately locks door. After the TAX MAN watches the car pull out the parking lot, he presses and holds the home button on his phone. 

TAX MAN

Siri, why didn’t you tell me to put it on speakerphone? I almost had to punch that guy!

SIRI

Okay! Here’s what I found on the web for ‘What did big girl put in Snickers home how old is Tupac dead guy.’

FADE TO BLACK

Learning How To Do Taxes … Again

tax book

 

 

Dear Har-old,

Tax school.

In 2012, you had the money but enrolled in classes too late.

In 2013, you knew the start date but didn’t have the money.

This year was a repeat.

Almost.

You made it!

Don’t let nothing get in the way of your studying. Keep ripping those chapters out your book and reading on your breaks at work. I want this your last year working in a warehouse. 15K minimum on April 15, 2015. What you make invest in startups and YouTube.

At least chapter 14 by October 1st. Don’t worry about if something doesn’t completely register because you’ll still have almost 2 months more to study after classes end first week of November. You passed all your tests thus far with 76 being lowest grade so you’re doing fine.

Speaking of YouTube, you might as well coincide your launch with Fight Club 2. I mean, weight has held you down this long and this past week has been a mess with buffets and fast food. At this point why not be strategic with timing? I want a year’s worth of material (48 scripts) written before launch.

Remember this? Haha!

I.R.S those my wife’s initials.

And if I cheat on her, my life is fish food.

So I’ma remain faithful, I don’t wanna fight an issue.

Cuz shiiit, look at Wesley Snipes, that nigga gotta sleep with his knife and pistol

What a mess? The United States Government they the ones who really cut the check

I be giving her a leg and arm, ouch ouch, I want her fucking head.

Tomorrow ain’t promised, the only life guarantees are death and taxes, enuff is said

A second wife, that’s a no indeed

Think about it, that’s half to her, half to her and a hole in me

Life’s a bitch but I love my bitch, baby everythang gone be okay

I used to think the government taxed people cuz they wanted to be so paid

But they used the money to build churches, schools, stores, parks, and roadways.

Now if I don’t see this new shit while I’m driving I’ma experience road rage

The flag and the White House can go up in flames and burn

If I sound like I’m speaking Spanish, I’ll break this verse down in Laymen terms.

You wrote this as a teenager. Wow!

Futuristically yours,

Har+new

P.S. Does it make since to help your human dad with taxes when he didn’t let you borrow the money for classes last year, and didn’t come through again this year?

Florida Man Hits Lottery By Speeding

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When Moesha Rhodes returned home after taking the kids to their grandma’s house to open their Christmas presents, she had some offbeat news for her husband of 9 years. “Honey, you won’t believe what kind of ticket I got from speeding,” she said. Fearing he would have to return some toys to pay off the fine, Terry Rhodes had the same surprised look on his face as his wife did when she got the ticket. A lottery ticket that is! She explained to her husband that Melbourne police officers concentrated along the Wickham Road commercial corridor doled out warnings to speeders and other traffic violators, and to spread a little holiday cheer, they issued scratch off game-tickets in which they paid for with their own funds. Sgt. Jamie Rocque said, “We’re just doing a little bit of a different technique.”

Upon hearing this, Mr. Rhodes grabbed the car keys and said he’ll be back. 30 minutes later, he came back with a lottery ticket of his own. “No stores are open on Christmas. Where you get that from?” asked Moesha. Terry told her from speeding. “For the next dozen days I would be called all out my name: Moron! Idiot! Imbecile! I just kept quiet,” Terry said.

Then on January 7, 2014 that lottery ticket proved to be a big winner. ONE MILLION DOLLARS BIG! Suddenly, his wife was calling him her hero. “I just remember him getting all pop-eyed when I was talking to him about my ticket, which didn’t win shit by the way. I don’t know what he seen. The future? How many people would take a risk like that? Wow! He’s a true visionary. I just can’t believe what looked like a stupid move turned out to be the greatest decision ever,” she said.

However, with money, comes problems. The officer who handed Terry the lottery ticket wants a cut. “He reached out to me and said he wants what’s his. I asked him how much did he pay for the ticket and he said $3. Then I said okay I will give you $3. He laughed and said he wants half! I told him hell no. He got irate and started cursing me out. He threatened to throw me in jail for the rest of my life and that he was gone rape my wife,” Terry exclaimed.

Terry has told us that the aforementioned conversation has frightened him to the point that he plans to get out what he calls a “police state” as soon as he gets his money. He quit his job and made his wife do the same. He took his children out of school. He has put everyone on “house arrest.” He said, “We’re not going anywhere. No one’s going outside until the press calls me to take a photo with the big check. They probably got my picture hanging up in the precinct captioned ‘Wanted.’ ”

Built on top of:
Melbourne police issue lottery tickets during Christmas traffic stops

Would you skip town too? Why or why?

How To Get Money From A Loomis Truck Without Robbing It

image

Dear Har-old,

If you’re walking, don’t run from it.

If you’re driving, don’t roll up your window.

Next time you see a Loomis money truck spew out black smoke of exhaust, put that black cloud over your head and let it enter your lungs.

One acting job, one hospital trip, and one lawsuit later …

You will have every cent in the back of that truck without a single gunshot being fired.

Futuristically yours,
Har+new

Dollar Of Persistence

$22 I will never spend.
$22 I will never spend.

Dear Har-old,

*Tuesday, July 16, 2013*

Har-old: *checks mailbox* He said no later than Tuesday. Today is Tuesday. My check is not in here!

Har+new: The mailman runs twice a day; it’ll probably be in there later.

Later that day …

Har-old: *checks mailbox* Where is it???

Har+new: …

*Wednesday, July 17, 2013*

Har-old: *checks mailbox* Second time checking it today … still nothing!

Har+new: Call.

*Thursday, July 18, 2013*

Har-old: *checks mailbox* …

Har+new: Why won’t you just call?

Har-old: I’m scared …

Har+new: Why?

Har-old: … to hear “This number is no longer in service.”

*Friday, July 19, 2013*

Har-old: *checks mailbox* Okay, now I’m calling!

Har+new: Thank you! What are you doing?

Har-old: Going on their website to see what’s corporation number. Since they said they’ll be mailing my check, I’m calling them.

Har+new: No! Just call them!

Har-old: Shhh …

*45 minutes later*

Har+new: What’s wrong?!?!

Har-old: I’ve been scammed.

Har+new: How?!

Har-old: This man said they’re not the corporation of anything! They’re just a website people go on if they want to buy the wax or get info on it. He said they do not have offices around the country that hire people to sell this stuff in front of gas stations! Everything he said has matched up with my experience with them, especially when he said they may pack up their bags and leave town. Nick did say he was going back to Florida. Told me I need to retrace my steps, gather evidence I actually worked there before I get police involved. Told me instead of calling a number I found on a website I should’ve called them to see if the number is still in service … you know what, that’s what I’m about to do!

*8 minutes later*

Har+new: What happened???

Har-old: HR told me they remember mailing my check out. I asked her to confirm my address they had on file.

Har+new: And?

Har-old: Right address … just my apartment number missing. So, that was probably my mistake. She said the post office don’t keep mail and they return to sender but it wasn’t there. Said if they have to re-issue the check, it may take weeks. Weeks I don’t have! But told me to first check with the leasing office to make sure it isn’t in there.

Har+new: Well, come on!

*3 minutes in leasing office*

Har+new: What they say?

Har-old: It’s not in there!

Leasing Lady: Har-old, come back!!!

Leasing Lady 2: Is this what you were looking for? *holds up white envelope*

Har-old: *smile of relief* Yesss!

Leasing Lady 2: The mailman JUST delivered it.

Har+new What an ending!

*back at the apartment*

Har+new: Open it up!

Har-old: Okay, here goes … *pulls check from envelope* Exactly what I expected!

Har+new: And, what’s that?

Har-old: Not the $300 base pay I was guaranteed! Not the $297 I made in the field! It’s the 30%.

Har+new: How much???

Har-old: 67 bleeping dollars and 41 cents!

Har+new: Wooooo! Alright!

Har-old: The hell you’re so happy for?

Har+new: You should be smiling too! This moment is historic! Don’t you get it? It took you 2+ years to make this. You started this journey over 2 years ago, remember? You wanted a job that was gone prepare you for the role of CEO of your own company so you almost exclusively applied to customer service, marketing, and sales jobs. You went through 16 of them!!! Chasing ghosts with AT&T U-Verse; playing the call-me-back game with Paul; getting fired  after moving to another cubicle because you didn’t want to sit next to a racist. This is it! This is history! I want you to take a dollar out of this check and frame it.

*one bank run later*

Har+new: It isn’t wrinkled from being passed down generation after generation like your $1. It doesn’t have a Riddler-green bat signal on the back like your $20. It looks like … the ordinary dollar bill. If I mixed it with some other dollars, you wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. It has no mark of importance!

Har-old: Are you suggesting I write on it? ‘New, this dollar needs to be spent more than saved right now!

Har+new: *holds dollar up* This dollar tells a story. It’s the story of YOUR persistence! If you spend this dollar,  you waste 2 years … of trying. *throws dollar in Har-old’s face and walks away*

FY,

Har+new

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