Tag Archives: Nature

Company Bans App To Cut Down On Employees Taking Extra Breaks

imageMEMPHIS, TN—32 Williams-Sonoma employees were fired this past Friday for refusing to uninstall a popular nature app from their phone.

When instructed by security to go through what they perceived to be the metal detectors of old WITH their phone, workers were certain they was gone hear beeps, however, when it went off for only 53 out of 109 people, everyone was scratching their heads. Management informed the confounded shift that what they actually walked through was an app detector – a metal detector for phones that goes off when a certain app is installed. Which in this case was Akatu Take A Extra Break. In 2012, Akatu made headlines when they released Akatu Fake Shower, an app that simulated sounds of running faucet or shower water to mask “taking your kids to the pool.” Conversely, they released the former app in October 2013 to “unmask your kids cannon balling in the water.” According to Vinicius Porto, CEO of PorQueNao?, the firm responsible for bringing both Akatu apps to market, “We’ve received several reviews on our Fake Shower app with people saying while they thank us for making them feel more comfortable using public restrooms, there are those ‘special’ moments they want to impress upon people their stomach is hurting. Like their boss! So, instead of calling in sick and fake coughing, with Take A Extra Break you can actually give them proof with auditory and olfactory.” Concerning the former, the app comes with pre-recorded grunts expressing effort. In a blog post, Akatu said in the next update to the app they will give consumers the ability to use their own toiletry sounds. In reference to the latter, Akatu ships out a can of spray to app downloaders of 30 days. The spray is “artificial” anus gas and defecation they dubbed, “Air MESSenger.”

Williams-Sonoma doesn’t like the message Akatu is sending their employees.

When lead manager, Rose Gold, went to the lavatory at 3:30PM Central time on Thursday, it was teeming with running shoes underneath stall doors. She walked a couple of feet to their other ladies’ room, and same thing. With only 2 restrooms in the 17,400 square feet warehouse she was forced to wait. After 20 minutes had passed, she became impatient and curiously asked the ladies behind the doors outloud, “What’s going on in there?” Mrs. Gold said she would have said something at the 10 minute mark but gave them more time out of sympathy because it sounded like their stomachs was hurting. Mrs. Gold said she had to step outside the restroom until they finished because the “funny smells” started to make her belly ache too, and that’s when she became hip to what was truly going on. “When one of the girls came out, who I knew was on the toilet because she had on these loud pink boots with this gold jewelry wrapped around them, asked me did I need to use her phone. I said, why would I? She said, ‘To use this shitty app.’ I asked, what it do? She showed me how it works and subsequently fired her damn self for being so stupid. She must didn’t know I was a manager ’cause my name Rose Gold. She had to be new! I went back in both them restrooms and fired everybody from door number 1 to door number 16.” Witnesses say Mrs. Gold was so angry (partly due to a REAL brown stain on the buttocks of her khakis for waiting so long) she even stormed in the men’s restroom handing out pink slips.

Williams-Sonoma acknowledges the popularity of the nature app within the company stems from the unpopular decision to combine employees last 15 minute break with their lunch, thus making them work 5 hours straight. “I like that my lunch 45 minutes but I regret that Taco Bell soon as my feet start hurting,” said an anonymous worker who stands in the same spot for 10 straight hours. To prevent employees from taking unsanction breaks around 3, Williams-Sonoma announced Friday that they will be going back to the 15-30-15 minute format. Furthermore, to enforce their “no cellphones in bathroom” policy they have gave their 5 person janitor service 2 weeks paid vacation and put metal magnets underneath the bathroom floors.

Williams-Sonoma is investigating how long the app has been in use by looking at their on-floor cameras dating back to the day after the unpopular decision was made to the day before the mass firing to see how many associates left their station at 3PM, the time the last 15 minute break would have been.

Built on top of:
•True events

What do you think of them making lunch longer at the expense of not getting your last 15 minute break?