Tag Archives: ratchet

You Need A Ride? (Twerking At Walmart)

Based on actual events


Couple leaves Wal-Mart. The man pushes the grocery basket to their car while the woman walks 2 steps ahead with her arms folded. 


Whatever, Cletus! Whatever! You cheated on me!


Baby, how did I cheat on you? I was looking for that lotion you like. I was on aisle 5, then I looked at the sign above the next aisle and it said, “Asian Foods, Hispanic Foods, Crackers, Chicken, Twerking.” I didn’t know when I went on that aisle I was actually gone see girls shaking their ass!


But it didn’t say lotion, Cletus! It didn’t say lotion!


I was curious! Gawd!

Two men near a car parked next to the couple’s get their attention. 


Hey, pardon us!


[looks at guy]


We locked our keys in the car, and can’t afford a locksmith. Would y’all happen to have a hanger?


Yeah, we just bought a lot of ’em.


No, I just bought a lot of ’em! How you gone offer them one of my hangers, Cletus? Who got the exhaustive wardrobe here? Huh?


Look! Ask her!


May we, madam?


Oh, you’re so polite! Yes you may, handsome! [looks back at Cletus, smirking]


[shakes head]


Thank you! [grabs the metal coat hanger and goes to work]

As the two men work on the door, the couple put their groceries in their car. Suddenly, they hear a loud screech. The two men pull off quickly. That’s when a person runs into the parking space with grocery bags in their hands, dropping food everywhere, screaming … 


My car!!!

The couple looks at each other in shock, communicating in animated facial expressions. 


You need a ride?


Yeah … follow that car!

This time, the couple communicates in thought-reading, saying …. 


*thinking* Least we can do!


*thinking* Hell nah! If we catch up to them, they gone say we helped them. The hangers are on our receipts, fool. We accessories to the crime, Cletus! Accessories! You too pretty to go to jail, Cletus!

Cletus nods at woman in agreement, then looks at the person, saying … 


You can’t have a ride!

As the couple’s car screeches off quickly, the person picks up a bent-out-of-shape hanger off the ground and throws it at the rear window of the couple’s car. 


The REMATCH UW Doesn’t Want YOU To Know About At #HighStakes

Notice what it says at the bottom.

Newark, NJ — Days away from the Ultimate Warrior (UW) Battle League’s biggest event, High Stakes, leaked news has emerged from Bay Area rap legend and philanthropist Mistah Fab.

On the 13th of December I said on Twitter, ‘Back to the money. No more about this battle bulls***!! Back to this song writing and publishing hits.’ But to keep it a G with you, I couldn’t leave it alone. I just couldn’t. I had to get to the root of the problem. I could’ve left it at, ‘Oh Arsonal doesn’t really own UW so that’s why we not battling.’ Which is still true. He don’t own s***! But it was a voice in my head telling me it was MUCH deeper than that. I kept asking myself, ‘Why isn’t this man battling on HIS company’s biggest event? The best rap battle card of all time.’ And anybody know Ars’, knows he suffers from ASH: Attention-Seeking-Behavior. I believe this will be the first UW card he isn’t featured on. So boom! I was performing at a New Jersey club this past week promoting my new mixtape, Hella Ratchet, and met this female battle rap groupie. I just f***, right. We laying in bed, she roll over and say, ‘Fabby, I got something to tell you.’ In my head, I’m like, ‘Ohhh this b**** gave me something!’ I start panicking and s***. She like, ‘Calm down! What’s wrong with you? Don’t get excited yet!’ I settle down. You won’t believe what this b**** tells me, homie! She f***ed Arsonal too. Like I told you, she a battle rap groupie. She said after they f***, Arsonal wanted to spit his rounds for her. She said, ‘For the Yung Ill battle?’ He said, ‘Nah. For Hollow Da Don.’ She said, ‘The Dinninon or it’s another Dinninon? Not Hollow Da Dinninon! I thought you said don’t do rematches?’ He was like, ‘I’ma give him one. I’ma give him one.’ Like that. She said, ‘When?’ This mark a** n**** told her at High Stakes cuz. No, not next year’s High Stakes. THIS one cuz! She said, ‘But I thought he was going up against Loaded Lux?’ He was like, ‘That’s all for show. We couldn’t afford to give that man no damn 40K.’ At this moment, I’m saying to myself, I always wondered how Arsonal was able to pay Lux money the Smack man didn’t even have. And how such a small league like UW was able to get the battle over the URL and KOTD. This n**** would have to be on these Jersey blocks pushing all kinds of cocaine,younahimsaying. Then the broad was like he said, ‘We gone do him like we did him at Fight Club. Switch his opponent last minute. He gone have to freestyle the whole battle or spit his Lux bars against me. Let’s see if his rebuttals improved since.’ Arsonal been plotting since the Surf battle. He in love with Hollow’s facial expressions during their Fight Club battle. Priceless! She said Arsonal told her Lux gone be there to just flip the damn coin! That’s cold! Fans about to be pissed off for real. They gone do Hollow dirty! He about to get that work, alright.

Mistah Fab said he initially didn’t believe the groupie’s story but when he bumped into Loaded Lux a few days later, he was convinced. “I ran into Lux on 139th. I was looking for the Big L memorial wall. I wanted to take a picture in front of it. And I see this n**** Lux up the block looking just like Calicoe said … ‘bummy as f**k.’ I didn’t see no Bucaleany hoodie that day! Chewing on a stick and everything. I’m saying to myself, this n**** ain’t got no damn 40K and bounced cause I was thinking about pocket-checking that n**** on some Daylyt s***.”

Mistah Fab has said if him and Arsonal does battle one day, he won’t write a round and will freestyle the whole battle and that Arsonal’s experience doesn’t destroy his confidence. “I’m the Freestyle King. I’m spitting nothing but personals. No punchlines. No metaphors. No name-flips. Forget you don’t own UW n****. That groupie told me I got the bigger d*** n****.”

UPDATE (1+21+14): Ironically, today is Mistah Fab’s birthday, however, he insists “this isn’t the liquor talking” and this is in fact, “The truth. Birthday or not.”
UPDATE 2 (1+22+14):
The liquor was talking and Mistah Fab has admitted he made the whole story up because he was salty at Ars for not battling him on the most anticipated rap battle card of all time. This means … Lux and Hollow is back on!

BREAKING NEWS (1+23+14): Mickey Facts has deduced Loaded Lux’s gimmick for this Sunday’s High Stakes on Twitter. Remember the line Lux choked on at the URL’s Summer Madness 2 event? “Harlem hospital giving beds out.” Okay, now remember the last line Lux said at DJ Vlad’s Killas Battle League event, “Tell that boy Hollow to come get his medicine.” Now what keywords does both of the lines have in common? Medicine and hospital. Medical terms! Which means Lux is taking off the black jacket to put on the long white coat. To confirm this, Lux even tweeted a photoshop image of Hollow as a patient and Lux as a doctor and captioned it with, “Wait till we show up lol.”

"You Gone Get This Medicine"

Built on top of:
• Mistah Fab’s tweets
•Fight Club switching up Hollow Da Don’s opponent last minute to Arsonal, causing him him to freestyle
•Something going wrong at UW’s High Stakes event

What do you think about Lux’s doctor gimmick for Hollow?

When Breathing Hard In The Gym Goes Wrong (Are You Having Sex While We On The Phone?)

Based on a true story … kind of.

One month earlier …

Max: *fist-pounding in disgust* I got trust issues when it comes to these *bleep*. She ratchetttt!
Joey: What you talking about?
Max: Man, you haven’t seen that video of this girl talking to her boyfriend on the phone while having sex with another dude … while 3 other dudes waiting they turn?
Joey: What?!
Max: It’s all on WorldStar. I masturbated to that *bleep* with a frown on my face. These *bleep* disgust me!

10 minutes later …

Joey: Yooooo! I just saw that video! How he didn’t know she was doing something?
Max: Obviously, he hasn’t been dating her long. Don’t know the variety in her voice. Her normal voice, her white people voice, her freaky voice. Breathing hard should’ve gave it away. Damn fool. He deserve it.

Present day …

Max: *talking to self* Yes, thank God! Nobody on the treadmill. *looks around* Oh snap! I got the whole gym to myself. Yeah! Now I can finally stretch before I work out.

5 minutes later …

Max: *sitting down, doing hamstring stretches* *thinking to self* Almost done … damn! This *bleep* just walked in here and went straight for the treadmill. Ugh! Well, she fat, she won’t be on it long. 3 minutes tops! Haha.

25 minutes later …

Max: *thinking to self* I wish this *bleep* would leave! All this unwanted time I spent in hurr. I was gone stretch for a few minutes, run 30, and be out. 40 minutes tops! I’m in this *bleep* pretending I’m enjoying lifting these weights. My *bleep* arms hurt.

18 minutes later …

Max: *thinking to self* I’m mad as *bleep*. I’m about to go. Knew I shouldn’t have stretched. What’s that noise? Her phone ringing.
Girl: *puts it on speaker*
Person on phone: Hello, hello, hello, wifey?
Girl: *breathing hard* Let me, let me catch my …
Max: *thinking to self* Wifey? I know what I’m about to do … *yells out-loud* SHE TRYING TO CATCH THESE BALLS! WE HAVING SEX! WE HAVING SEX! OH, BABY! YEAHHHHH! OH MY GOD!
Girl: *struggling to take it off speaker because her fingers are moist due to sweat* Oh my God! Shut up, boy!

Next day …

Joey: *shaking head in disgust*
Max: What’s wrong, big homie?
Joey: I’m about to be on WorldStar, dog.
Max: You got your ass beat?
Joey: Nah. I called my girl yesterday while she was having sex with another dude and this *bleep* picked up the phone so I could hear it. Dude voice sounded familiar too.
Max: *breathing hard* That … that … let me catch my balls, BREATH, BREATH. I said breath! That was YOUR girl?!
Joey: *slowly takes his palm off his face, looks up, slowly turns head, twists lips like Marlon Wayans in Don’t Be A Menace* What you mean THAT was my girl?!