Tag Archives: roleplaying

The Wannabe Intro to Cake Face

This post is dedicated to Princess Lex. Please give her a belated birthday shoutout. 👑👑

 

If you could replace any day of the year with the second occurrence of another particular day, what would it be?

My birthday with Valentines.

And we allllllllll know how much my “single ready to be Christian mingle” ass really wanna turn it into Violent Times by shooting an arrow into someone’s chocolatey heart on that day.

Ugh!

If I catch another couple holding hands in public I’m going to walk between them and break them up. Then when they look back at me in utter disbelief as I’m walking away, I will have “kiss my ass” on the buttocks of my pants. And I hope they follow instructions so someone who hates PDA as much as I do, say, “Get a room.” We can have a threesome in it. I like to role-play, so I hope y’all don’t mind me dressing up like a killer teddy bear. Cewl?

“If you hate Valentines that much, on your birthday, you must be sitting on pins and needles when a mother is looking around trying to figure out how her child’s balloon popped?” Although, I’ve been rocking back and forth in my chair all day I haven’t been a pain in the ass today. Really.

Yes, today is my birthday.

It’s 11:11. 49 minutes left. I was hoping this was the TV troupe where all the characters pretended to forget the protagonist’s birthday then surprise him with a party later in the show. Well, it’s late in the show. We’re out of those annoying community college commercials. No one has called. The only time my phone ringed today was when I was trying to decide what ringtone to give Krisaela, a girl I met today. If she doesn’t call by midnight she can forget about having this Night Owl ringtone at all.

I haven’t had a good birthday since 2008 when I flew to California. Even that turned out bad cuz. Every year after has been me sitting on my ass. Me not doing for me or we not doing for me.

I don’t have much time left, but today I’m going to break the cycle.

I’m going to bake myself a cake.

 

Yuck! This isn’t beautiful, and this sure isn’t velvet.

I suck!

The author smashes his head into the cake.

I wish, I wish …

To be continued …

 

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If Your Blinds Look Like This …

Caption this photo.
Caption this photo.

If your blinds look like this, you need to mind your damn business.

But if your blinds look like this on an inconsistent row, someone is in yours.

I looked under my bed before I got out of it, afraid a cold hand would grab me by the ankles. I live alone. No one else has a key. Like a kid who hasn’t learned how to do the math in their head, I can count on my fingers how many people I invited over to my apartment in my 4 year residency here. All with 2 indexes and 2 thumbs to spare for a square.

I’m 5’10. Whoever this was, was at least 6’4. What could have they been looking out for? I stood on top of my paper shredder to match their height. I don’t see anything. Whoever this was has been in my apartment so long I need to ask for half the rent. You should see the wear and tear of the blinds. A few more bends it’s gonna need tape.

I look down and see what it was they were watching for: Me. We don’t have our own parking spots but whenever one outside my window is vacant I take it. It’s not a bad neighborhood but I like to keep an eye on my car incase I need to jump out my third floor window onto the entrance roof below, landing on top of my car as the jacker pulls off. Them coming to a hard stop. Skirrrrrt like a long dress. Me flying forward into a mountain of Hefty bags like the garbage man when no one’s looking. Wiping the dirt off my shoulders, chasing them on foot until I see a car I wanna steal and telling the owner who conveniently has one foot on the pavement, the other in the car that “I’m FBI. I need to borrow your sweet, sweet ride.”

Just when I tried to turn this slasher flick to an action movie it went right back to a horror …

I have lived alone long enough to know when I’m not alone.

Who turned up the thermostat? I’m getting goosebumps.

Who’s chopping onions? I’m crying.

Who left the oven on? I’m sweating.

Why didn’t I put a mirror on the wall I’m staring at so I can see behind me? I’m a bad decorator.

Whose hand on my shoulder? I believe I can fly!

Suddenly, Life Happened … (Blog Wars #2)

 

Caption this photo!
Caption this photo!

“Will you have sex with me? I’ll pay you for it.”

I looked up from the page like the leaf went from chlorophyll to anthocyanin before my eyes.

My first reaction was to spill hot coffee on his lap. The New Oxford American Dictionary defines lap as the flat area between the waist and the knees of a seated person. Well, I’m pretty sure his flat area wasn’t so flat anymore and needed some scalding to calm it down.

But fortunately for him, I gently closed his novel, quietly said I’m not comfortable going over his books anymore and immediately removed myself from the table.

I should have known this is what he was setting up from day one when he asked me how old I was. He said I looked 17. Is it illegal for someone under 18 to proof-read an over the 18-year-old author’s book? I’m 21, by the way. Then when he asked me do I have a boyfriend. If I did, would it be considered cheating if I read another man’s book? I hope my future boyfriend isn’t that jealous. Geez!

He did pay me each time I went over his book. That was 3 times. That was $60. But now I’m doing a 180 because he wants a body part that’s not the eyes and the finger. Yeah, sometimes I read with my finger. Fuck you!

I told my blogging buddy about this. You know what this fake ex-favorite blogging unfamiliar person said? He texted me, “Well, he’s not a stranger, anymore.” I reply, “Wheet?! Are you trying to say we went on 3 dates at the coffee shop and I need to give him some? You men! You know what? I’m punishing you! I’m not gone text you back for 3 weeks because I’m a Capricorn and sometimes we don’t communicate. And this is gonna drive your Gemini ass insane. Haha! And the next time I ask you how to make some quick money besides stripping, say stripping, and not some lame stuff like, “Partner up with me on a YouTube channel.” You know damn well you can’t make money making videos on YouTube, you lame! And if I did sell my body to that grandpa just know I will charge him an arm and a leg, okay, okay, okayyyyyyy. Now boy bye!”

P.S. Yes, it’s that damn good!

Shade But No Shade (Blog Wars #1)

If I’m going to die, my last activity will be doing something I love: writing. I’m an English Major, you know.

My name is UnKaren.

My boyfriend just kicked me out.

NYC is not cheap.

No, I don’t have family.

The money I saved from working retail was spent on a New York PATH subway car.

To save on fuel, I parked in the shade of a tree, but Jason-masked-Timberland-wearing thugs vrin vrin cut it down. This happened every time I found a new tree. Where is the lucky tree stump from the Apollo when you need it?

Consequently, I started searching for buildings to protect me from the shade, and each time, the first episode of my favorite TV show (can’t name one; I am a TV junkie) flew a paper plane into it.

So now here I am being exposed to the sun like I need some D!

I don’t wanna die this way. What did I do to deserve this?

I hear this swoosh sound in the sky and take cover because I’m thinking the first episodes of one of my favorite TV shows is about to start Wild-N-Out.

But it was a bear driving a blimp with its billboard sides saying, “Because you ignored your future.”

Then I start thinking about this blogger who I haven’t emailed back.

It’s been 10 minutes.

No, not since I emailed him.

That’s been forever!

I mean how long I’ve sat in the sun.

This lady on the outside approaches my vehicle. She opens the door and hands me a one hundred-dollar bill and says, “You have just won the hot kar challenge.” To show my commitment to NOT ignoring people anymore, I grabbed the $100 and walked to the back of my subway and gave it to this woman wearing this gray hoodie, shades, backpack, soulja girl scarf, and who was singing Home from “The Wiz.” 

Sheeeeee looks like she needs it more than I do!

The Retaliation

Titles to upcoming posts:

Suddenly, Life Happened … (blog wars #2)

Closed Curtains

K