Tag Archives: Satire

Christians Jailed For “Laying Hands” On Disabled Blogger

Jesus Rhino
Image via Twitter

Why did you start blogging? Was it because you wanted to share your mirror conversations with the world? Was it because you wanted to share how much you miss your boyfriend … who’s sleeping 3 feet away from you? Or, was it because you wanted to discuss your experiences with aggressive Christians who like to “lay hands” on you? Meet 22-year-young Duke University Grad Megan who started the blog “The Matter With Megan.” Why that name? Because of her rare connective tissue disease called Epidermolysis bullosa, all her life people have asked,”“What’s the matter with Megan?” In post Please Don’t Pray With Me (In Airports) Megan wrote, ”Having a visible disability is like shark bait for ignorant people lacking scruples. I swear, the mere sight of crutches is like blood in the water.” From relating a story at age 15 where she was at an airport waiting to board a flight when two women fell out the sky upon her family and asked her mother, “May we pray with your daughter?” She wrote, “The next thing I knew I was caught in what can only be described as a quite unholy prayer sandwich. The woman and her mother placed one hand on my back and one on my chest and right there, in the middle of the Ft. Lauderdale airport, began to feverishly pray on my body for Jesus to heal me. Between shouts of JESUS CRISTO! and HEAL HER FATHER GOD! their bodies shook violently, as if wracked by father, son, and holy ghost all at once.” To another trip in which a stranger asked her mother if he could pray for her. “I choked out a yes,” she said, “and picked a spot on the pavement to stare at and waited until it was over. He held out his hands and prayed for God to heal me, but with the added twist and flourish of asking God to take the Devil’s hands off me.” This has all got Megan wondering, “What IS it about the fucking Ft. Lauderdale airport?” Answer: It’s located in Florida, Megan.

But the Ft. Lauderdale airport nightmare stories have reached its final chapter after 4 Christians who read her feature in Raw Story and recognized her from her blog didn’t ask to pray for her for a change but asked to pray WITH her for those other Christians. Megan got up the courage to tell them no and to go find those other Christians and pray FOR them WITH them instead of her. The aggressive Christians insisted and persisted and started “laying hands” on her and even prevented her from trying to roll away in her wheelchair. After screaming for help, security came and asked, “What seems to be the problem?” Megan exhaled, “They’re trying to pray for me.” The security said, “Oh, y’all need my help?” and proceeded to join in with the other Christians in a circle with Megan in the middle. That’s when Megan grabbed the security guard’s taser and zapped them one by one. The five were charged with assault and battery for unholy prayer sandwiching. Let’s hope the judge isn’t conservative!

Megan has said this experience has made her not want to have kids. When we asked her why? She said, “Because if I don’t get the religious nuts then I will get the assholes who like to randomly rub on the stomachs of pregnant women.”

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What made you start blogging?

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Kelly Rowland Says She Will No Longer Perform “Dirty Laundry” Live After Breakdown In DC

We hope your favorite Kelly Rowland song isn’t “Dirty Laundry.” Despite telling Kelson of 93.9 WKYS radio:

It’s really weird when you take yourself in front of a crowd. Even in that moment of when I put my feet up, I felt like I was in therapy. I was singing and talking about what happened, and for a moment, it was like that crowd wasn’t even there. And then when the music stopped…I was like “You are live Kel. Calm down.” And I had to calm down, and in the moment, I had to breathe. You get lost…and it’s nothing wrong with getting lost. But that was weird. That won’t happen again though [laughs]. I felt like I could do that with D.C.

On breaking down during her “Dirty Laundry” performance in the state capital, Ms. Rowland has said she will NOT perform the song again because she doesn’t think she will be able to get through it without crying. According to band mates, Kelly was very upset with herself backstage over the breakdown. During an interview with Billboard magazine, Rowland described how emotional it was for her to record the song. According to Billboard it took Rowland “nearly a dozen takes to lay down her vocals without crying” and that during the recent album listening sessions for Republic Records, she “had to leave the room before the song was played.” During the same interview, Rowland said “It took me days to record. I had to get past being so upset and actually sing the song, not sob through it.”

Rowland has said if fans do request “Dirty Laundry” she is touring with @JadeNovah and will get the infamous Keyonce Bowles to do the cover.

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Will you still attend a Kelly Rowland concert if she herself doesn’t perform “Dirty Laundry?”

Burger King Gets In Touch With Charles Ramsey Before McDonald’s And Gives Him A Lifetime Supply Of Whoppers … With Cheese

McDonald's Charles Ramsey
Image via McDonald’s Twitter account

After getting free publicity from a viral interview and 911 call, thousands of people have urged McDonald’s to do something for Charles Ramsey, the Cleveland kidnap “hero.” To honor him, some fans of Mr. Ramsey have bought Big Macs in droves, although, he never disclosed that was a part of his “lil’ McDonald’s.” Others have argued Mr. Ramsey “looks more like a rib man” and have urged McDonald’s to bring back the McRib and call it the “Ramsey McRib sammich.” To stop the blowing up of their mentions, McDonald’s posted the tweet you see in the above picture.

As of press time, McDonald’s still hadn’t met with Mr. Ramsey.

Disgusted by the slowness of McDonald’s and pissed their rival had the unexpected spotlight shined on them, Burger King chairman, Alexandre Behring, has offered Charles Ramsey a lifetime supply of Whoppers … with cheese!!! Which is incredible because that’s 10 cents extra!  When we asked what he thought of Burger King giving him Whoppers until he die, Mr. Ramsey said, “Aye bro’, Deaaadddddd giveaway!!!”

Update: After hearing news about Burger King introducing a rib sandwich for their summer menu, Ramsey now wants that to replace the lifetime supply of Whoppers. Guess he was a “rib man” after all.

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What do you think of Burger King jumping in the mix?