Tag Archives: shit jobs

How To Stop Your Baby From Crying In The Middle Of The Night

Craig: Damn, Mike, you look like shit! Didn’t get enough sleep last night?
Mike: No!
Craig: Why not, man?
Mike: My 11th month old son don’t know how to tell time. Woke up in the middle of the night, around 3AM crying uncontrollably. About time he stopped, it was time for work.
Craig: Haha. I use to have that problem.
Mike: Use to? What you do?
Craig: I got that little bastard a job on 1st shift so he could see how it felt to have somewhere to be in the morning.
Mike: You know what, Craig? That don’t sound like a bad idea!

Next scene …

Baby: *Working the assembly line* *pounding fist in disgust* Ooooh I’ma get him!

2 days later …

Craig: You’re glowing! Where you get all this energy from? Looks like someone took my advice.
Mike: Aww yeah, man! That little bastard knows how to tell time now. He’s been sleeping like a baby! Haha. No more crying in the middle of the night. Ahhh! Just peace and quiet. He even go to bed before I do now. Haha.

One week later …

Mike: Son, son, I took some bad pills. You have to keep me up all night long. If I fall asleep, I may die.
Baby: Ho-ho-ho-hoooo I have to keep you up??? Say what, now?! You lost that privilege, daddy-yo! *pounding fist in disgust* You got me this punk ass job, at this punk ass warehouse, working 12 punk ass hour days. I’m 11 *bleep* months, dad!!! This is child abuse!!! They got me bending, twisting, using my body all kind of ways. I haven’t did this much moving since I was in the stomach. They got me lifting 50 pound boxes! That’s 40 pounds more than me, father of the year!!!
Mike: Please, son! I need your help! Please! You have to keep me up or I will die. I took the whole bottle of pills. Please, son! You have to cry!
Baby: I hate my job, dad! I don’t know my ABC’s but I know how to tell the damn time!
Mike: Please, son! Don’t you want to grow up with a father?
Baby: *pounding fist in disgust* I come home and don’t have time to do NOTHING! No play dates! No cartoons! I can’t even read and learn how to walk. NOTHING! I’m always tired! My childhood is ruined. You couldn’t wait ’til I was 5?
Mike: I’m your father! You have to …
Baby: Will you shut up? I have somewhere to be in the morning.
Mike: *cries*
Baby: Ho-ho-ho-hooooo now you wanna keep me up, huh.