Tag Archives: short stories

Man Dives Head First In An Empty Pool

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A Phoenix man falls to his death after diving head first in a pool without water. Here’s the account of the story by his friend, who was going to dive in second:

There was water in the pool, okay. We tested the water. He dipped his feet in it; I put my hand in it and splashed some water on him. So, there was definitely water in the pool when we was on the ground. Kyle even remarked how clean the water was. He said, ‘Man, this pool so clean it looks like there’s no water in it.’ The diving board was like 30 feet in the air. It took us what seemed like 10 minutes to climb the ladder to the top. When we’re there, we start playfully going back and forth about who’s going first. ‘No, you are! No, you are!’ Stuff like that. It could have very well been him telling you this story. Then we look down, notice people getting out of the pool. Finally, Kyle calls me a chicken and says he’s going to be the brave one. He dived in head first, arms out in front. He obviously had to have his eyes closed the entire time because you would think as you’re getting close to the pool you would notice it wasn’t water in it and contorted your body midair. Then … I just hear this explosion, which must have been his head, red stuff flowing, his body just laying still *cries*. I scream out at him, ‘KYLE! KYLE! KYLE!’ He didn’t move! I start shaking, getting dizzy, knees buckling and almost fall off the diving board myself in panic. Then I struggled to climb down, losing my grip on the ladder, thoughts racing. I kept telling myself, ‘THAT didnt happen! THAT did NOT happen!’ We was just down there together playing in the water. Finally … I get down there … *sigh*. Last thing I remember was screaming and fainting at what I saw. He didn’t have a head! I died too for an hour. When we saw those people getting out of the pool earlier that’s because some pool boys told them to get out because they were about to let out the water so they can clean the pool. Clean the pool?!?! That pool was clean as shit! Not one of those people told them pool boys we was on the diving board. Not one! I know they saw us when we passed the pool. What has this world come to?

Kyle’s friend, Anthony, and Kyle’s family are pressing charges of reckless endangerment and homicide against everyone: the Phoenix pool community, the 2 pool boys, and the 15 people that was in the pool at the time, which includes 8 children.

One of the people in the pool, Josh Bardem, a school teacher, has insinuated a new theory. Said he, “If 1 or 2 of us got out the pool, fine, but ALL 15 people got out the pool simultaneously. That didn’t seem odd to you? You didn’t start to get suspicious? Maybe he did … and maybe his friend did too. I think we should investigate just how well those 2 ‘best friends,’ those ‘great pals’ were getting along … if there is such a thing.”

Built on top of:
An Aye Verb tweet

Was this murder (on who?) or a honest mistake?

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Why You Shouldn’t Talk To Your Friends About How Good Your Significant Other Is In Bed

Teresa: *holding hands up in a measurement stance, gradually widening the gap between her hands*
Denise: THAT big?!
Teresa: Hmmhm.
Denise: Damn!
Teresa: Girl, I be running!
Denise: I wish my man was that big, but I can’t complain because he makes up for it in tongue. Girl, his tongue so big he can dig in his nose with it.
Teresa: Eww!
Denise: He don’t eat boogers though.
Teresa: THAT long, though?!
Denise: Hmmhm. And that ain’t the only trick he can do with it either, girl *laughing*
Teresa: Oooohaha
Denise: Girl, I be running faster.
Teresa: My man don’t even eat! Girl, you getting my *bleep* wet.
Denise: I thought I was the only one over here soaking *laughing*

*Denise and Teresa give each other a high-five*

Teresa: Ebony, don’t you want to join this convo?
Ebony: No, thank you!
Denise: What’s wrong? You single?
Teresa: Lesbian???

*Denise and Teresa move their seats away from Ebony*

Ebony: *laughing* No! Y’all crazy! No, I’m not single or a damn lesbian.

Meanwhile at another restaurant …

Charlie: *motioning hands in a hourglass figure*
Eric: I noticed how far your hands started to spread apart when they moved down … THAT big, dog?!
Charlie: Hmmhm … and she know how to throw it back too. One time she knocked me down. Thought Tyson punched me
Eric: Damn!
Charlie: And dog, the view is something else. It’s like being at the beach and watching the wave of the water.
Eric: I got a lil’ slim, petite treat. BUT! Her *bouncing hand up and down with palm facing ground* game is Ayyyyy One!
Charlie: Word? My girl don’t even give head. Ugh!
Eric: I’m about to make you mad then. Let me shut up.
Charlie: What???
Eric: Dog … she swallows. She thinks it’s good for her.
Charlie: Ohhhh! Word? What Jamie Foxx told Bernie Mac in Booty Call … uh … You getting my *bleep* hard *laughing*
Eric: I can’t stand up either *laughing*

*Charlie and Eric clap it up*

Eric: Yo Damon why you not in on this, man? You good?
Charlie: We don’t wanna leave you out.
Damon: I’m okay.
Charlie: You single or something?
Eric: Hold up … HOLD UP! You don’t like one of us, do you?!?!

*Charlie and Eric move their seats from Damon*

Damon: I hate you guys! And no, I’m in a relationship.
Charlie: … With a girl?

Next day …

Denise: I heard you packing something serious.
Charlie: I heard you like your protein. Will you run?
Denise: I sure do. And umm … I stand and fight. Let me find out.
Charlie: Nah, you let me find out!

Meanwhile somewhere else …

Eric: I heard you know how to throw all that thickness back.
Teresa: Hmmhm … can you catch it? I heard about them tricks you can do with your long tongue.
Eric: Let me find out!
Teresa: Nah, you let me find out.

3 days later …

Denise: *crying hysterically* How could she do this to me, girl? All the men in the world and she sleep with mines. All the girls in the world and he sleep with my best friend. Then of all places they do it in my home … in my bed.
Ebony: I’m so sorry. Breathe! It’s gone be okay. I’m here for you. Let’s go out. You gotta get your mind off this.
Denise: You’re always tell me right and I never listen. Always had my back.

Next scene…

Teresa: *crying hysterically* I can’t believe she did this. I mean why can I never have something I can call my own??? Why they do this to me???
Ebony: You deserve better than this. You do. You are a good person. You deserve better. Better man and friend.
Teresa: I can’t get a better friend than you … you my only true one.

Meanwhile …

Charlie: I always say I got 99 problems and a *bleep* ain’t one but *sobbing*  I loved her. Why she do this? Then with my homie, though. Ahhh-kneeee. I wanna kill both them.
Damon: Nah, don’t do that. They not worth your freedom. You gone find somebody better. It’s a girl out here for you. The right one.
Charlie: You always been my homie.

Next scene …

Eric: I’m slipping on my pimping. I never been hurt like this. I got played. My best man and my shorty … what did they see in each other? They never showed any signs they was attracted to each other. Damn!
Damon: They deserve each other. Not you. Take it as a lesson. Learn from it. Look! I don’t like seeing you depressed. Let’s go out. You need this.
Eric: I never realize how much you had my back. Only person I can trust.

Later that night …

*After 45 minutes of passionate sex*

Ebony: I love you!
Damon: I love you more!
Ebony: You’re my best kept secret, you know that?
Damon: I know. And you’re mines. I will never open our relationship up to the world.
Ebony: Shut up and kiss me!

Only The Strong Survive: Dying A Virgin (Scene 1)

*Originally titled I’m With Jimmy Ni, I wanted the name of my show to be a play on words and a play on its content. This episode Dying A Virgin mirrors that. This is one of my best stories. The progression in my story-telling is clear here. This was also my first time attempting to do a side-story. It kind of worked. I also cut down from my usual 5 scenes to 3. This is the original raw script from 2007.*

Dying A Virgin: 6+29+7

Benny Boom: Aye yo HIV you either find you another principal girl or you gone have to find you another music video director.

HIV: If Ms. Lyric don’t show up in this video’s running time which is 4 minutes, I’ma call Angel b.

Benny Boom: Well I’m glad we ain’t shooting a movie.

HIV: You see what I see.

Ms. Lyric: Harold and Benny I apologize for my tardiness.

HIV: Ms. Lyric, Ms. Lyric, Ms. Lyric, are you a Jay-Z fan?

Ms. Lyric: Yeah.

HIV: Well that would explain why you think you’re irreplaceable. F.Y.I. I was just about to call Angel.

Ms. Lyric: I can explain!

HIV: *phone rings* Hold that thought, it’s my wife, heaven high …

Benny Boom: Hello Ms. Lyric I ain’t on the phone.

Ms. Lyric: Oh Benny! I ain’t tryna use it as an excuse but I was at the hospital.

Benny Boom: Why was you at the hospital?

Ms. Lyric: For health concerns.

Benny Boom: What’s wrong with you?

Ms. Lyric: The doctor said I’m fine but I know for a FACT I’m not fine.

Benny Boom: Since when you know more than a doctor?

Ms. Lyric: Since I started switching charts!

Benny Boom: Switching charts!!!

Ms. Lyric: I shared a room wit some teenage girl, while she was sleeping I switched our charts around.

Benny Boom: Why you do that?

Ms. Lyric: B-cuz I had a feeling the doctor was gone gimme bad news and what I don’t know won’t hurt me and at first I wasn’t gone do it but when I seen her name …

Benny Boom: Well you better hope you ain’t got nothing serious and if you do: you ain’t my bitch and she wasn’t my daughter. I got all boys!!!

HIV: Aye y’all I gotta go, family emergency!

Ms. Lyric: But don’t you wanna know hear why I was late.

HIV: Fuc-get it!

Benny Boom: I ain’t directing yo’ next video.

*next scene*

Doctor: Mr. Strong welcome …

HIV: Jada and Jason what y’all doing here?

Doctor: I just feel that your daughter Lyric needs to be around her loved ones: her boyfriend Jason, her best friend Jada, her brother Fifth, her mother Lil’ Mama ,and you, her father, HIV, when I give her this news.

Lil’ Mama: What news?

Doctor: Yo’ daughter has AIDS and only has a week to live!

Jason: Why everybody lookin’ at me for? Y’all should be lookin’ at him … his name is HIV.

HIV: Boy are you tryna say I had sex wit my daughter?!

Lyric: Hold up … wait a minute … guys … but doc’ … I’ma virgin!

HIV: That statement just saved yo’ life boy!

Doctor: Are you sure you’re a virgin?

Lyric: Yes I’m sure! What kind of question is that?

Doctor: Excuse me! What I meant to say was: are you sure you haven’t been in any contact wit somebody who’s affected wit HIV besides sexual contact b-cuz I know you’re a virgin b-cuz I checked and yo’ hymen is still intact.

Lyric: What other ways could I have contracted Aids besides sex?

Doctor: Umm … a tattoo b-cuz of the usage of dirty needles …

HIV: My daughter don’t have no mutha …

Lyric: Dad, dad, dad, dad.

HIV: Huh? What are you doing?

Everybody: CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE!

Lil’ Mama: Umm…doctor Lyric won’t be dying in a week. She gone die today! Lil’ girl you think that’s funny putting CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE around yo’ pussy? How long have you had that?

Lyric: For about 9 months!

Lil’ Mama: Lyric that’s a birth!!!

Doctor: Well that would explain it folks: if she woulda contracted Aids recently it can be treated to where she can live wit it but since she got that tattoo 9 months ago, she can’t be treated.

Lil’ Mama: Now you see why me and yo’ daddy be all up in y’all’s business … Lil’ Harold are you takin’ steroids?

Fifth: Hell nah mama! That shit make yo’ dick little! I’m 13 inches!!!

Jada: I’m single!

Doctor: I would like to introduce everyone to  … Mr. Strong are you alright?

HIV: I won’t be if I hear or see anything else that’s shocking doc’. I’m about this close to passing out and being yo’ next patient.

Doctor: Well hopefully that won’t happen. Okay, I would like to introduce everybody to Dick Jerkins of The Make-A-Wish Foundation. He is here to grant Lyric her dying wish. Lyric it can be anything you want. We will give you some time to think about the last thing you wanna do before you die.

Lyric: Hold up doc’! I don’t need no time to think about my dying wish. I already got it!

Doctor: You do?

Lyric: Yes but I don’t think Dick Jerkins can help me wit it even though he is fine.

Doctor: Okay, what is it then?

Lyric: My dying wish is to lose my virginity!

Jason: YES!!!

Lil’ Mama: Harold!!!

Doctor: Well there goes my next patient!

*Theme Music*

*Commercial Break – I did my own commercials too but I only wrote a few*

Scene 2 dropping tomorrow at 7PM 🙂

When The Conversation Is Better Than Catching A Fish

What are you called if fish is the only meat you eat? Pescetarian

Us 2 hours ago:

*mirror run*

Har-old – Har+new! Har+new!!

Har+new – What is it?

Har-old – I think I’m on to something.

Har+new – Proceed.

Har-old – I’ve noticed the list of the 10 most common motives which inspire thought-action are awfully similar to Your Majesty’s (Mr. Devil) bribes.

Har+new – What does that tell you?

Har-old – Your Majesty is action-based. Results. It’s all about results.

Har+new – Go on.

Har-old – The common list of motives are just that, common. It’s ordinary for people to want these things. It’s our natural desires. It’s … life. In fact, humans use the same bribes on each other. Anyway, that’s how Your Majesty is able to destroy people with their own help without them realizing what he’s doing. And very clever work it is!

Har+new – *smiles*

18 years later during a two-day fish trip …

Son – Papa, we been out here for 4 hours, and we, well, you, you haven’t caught a single fish. Watching you fish is boring. I don’t get why you brought me out here and won’t let me fish anyways.

Har+new – Your wrist is broken.

Son – It’s not that bad. Can we just go home? I’m tired.

Har+new – Yeah, I guess it is getting pretty late. Alright, come on.

*Har+new reels in the fish-hook, a fish-hook that his son didn’t see cast in the water at the start or at no other time during the 4 hours*

Son – Dad, what’s that?!

Har+new – What?

Son – Is that some money? It is!  A. Hundred. Dollars. Whoa! This is way better than catching a fish!

Har+new – This? Oh, this just the bait I used.

Son – …

Har+new – What?

Son – You used money to bait fishes???

Har+new – *epic pause* of course.

Son – You had me sitting out here for 4 hours with a bad wrist without letting me … *starts breathing heavy* I. Am. Never. Fishing. With. You. Again.

Har+new – Son, how would you like to make 25 dollars an hour?

Son – *changes facial expression* Talk.

*Har+new hands over the 100 dollars*

Son – *surprised look on his face* For me???

Har+new – For you.

Son – These 4 hours were totally worth it!

Next day …

Son – So, dad, today, let’s stay out here for 8 hours.

Har+new – You just want 200 dollars.

Son – Hell yeah!

Har+new – Well, sorry to disappoint, but, we’re using real bait this time, good ol’ worms.

Son – Well, does this mean you gone also let me fish?

Har+new – No, you’re still not fishing. Bad wrist, remember.

25 minutes later …

Son – Why you constantly reel it in if you don’t feel weight on the hook?

Har+new – …

10 minutes later …

Son – I don’t understand why you keep doing that. Are we catching fish or worms?

Har+new – …

5 minutes later …

Har+new – I think it’s a big one!

Son – Reel it in! Reel it in!

Har+new – We got a fighter!

*Har+new reels ’em in*

Son – Whoa! Alright, dad.

*Son gets the net*

Son – Well, don’t just keep him in the water.

Har+new – We need to decide if we’re going to keep him or release him.

Son – Duh! We gone keep him. I’m starving!

*Har+new takes the hook out inflicting as little trauma as possible to the still-alive fish*

Son – What are you doing? Dad, what are you doing?!

*Har+new throws the big fish back in the waters*

Son – Are you serious???

10 minutes later …

Son – I still can not believe you did that.

Har+new – …

8 minutes later …

Har+new – Here we go again!

Son – Reel ’em in! Reel ’em in!

*Har+new reels ’em in*

Son – Whoa! Has this ever been done before???

Har+new – Isn’t ’em short for them?

Son – You caught TWO fish … at the same time! This is awesome!

*Son holds out the net*

Son – Come on, dad. Put ’em in.

Har+new – …

Son – Oh no you’re not. I know that look from 15 minutes ago.

*Har+new unhook both fish letting them splash back in the waters*

5 minutes later …

Son – …

Har+new – …

20 minutes later …

Son – …

Har+new – …

*Har+new reels in the line and checks the hook*

Har+new – YES!

Son – …

Har+new – YES!

Son – What are you yessing about? You didn’t catch a fish.

Har+new – The worm is gone!

Son – Yeah, so?

Har+new – That means a fish was able to steal the bait without getting hooked. It refused. *starts breathing heavy* It. Refused.

Son – … *turns away and says to himself* I am on the boat with a crazy person.

Har-old, when you make it, Your Majesty will play both ends against the middle (you). Therefore, maintain the balance of getting what you want from life without getting something you don’t want wrapped in the package.

FY,

Har+new

P.S.  Why do people use the fish analogy with dating when it’s the stupid fish that get caught?

FY Related: