Tag Archives: weather

Wolf Spider Branch (WordPressident #16)

Inspired by the above image. As always with this series, this is a slow read due to metaphors/wordplay/double entendres.

My pale skin the cloud
My eyelashes the grass
The spider veins on my upper eyelid the branch in the sky
My tears the rain
My twitching eye the thunder
I’m the eye of the storm
But I don’t wanna be like your X-Men
They’re old news
I wanna be your May weatherman, on the other side of them zeros
When the weather girl turn sideways it makes my day a wed-ness day
How I wanna be Her Boy Friday and engage with her fergalicious humps
Trojan horses not safe for work
Lashing out, a cuss to, ‘Mur-
-rica, where it’s all about U
I’m from ‘Merica, where it’s rated E for everyone
Life ain’t a video game … unless it’s the Sims-ulation
Then it’s rated T because I took off my tee but put the T in stimulation (woohoo!)
On a whim queue days end
The type of dream you facing cause the REM to break and 3AM you waking
Bedsheets sweaty, smelling like fresh-off-the-leg-pee but it’s underneath where you clean do sprayings
I’m a mother-fucking monster, not a muthafuckin’ monster
Think long and hard about that before you get your muthafuckin’ momma
If I grab her by her ankles she grabbing her ankles
If she’s anal about anal then it’s the beaver-teeth soul-crusher
Akin to me your brother, playa
Sucking major how I went from crushing flavor about the environment to the one who fuckin’ made ya
But I guess it all makes sense when you put ‘em together … Mother Nature

WordPressident #17 … soon

Flying Black Garbage Bag Attacks Kids Walking Home From School

Best photo taken of the mysterious black garbage bag
Best photo taken of the mysterious black garbage bag. That’s some scary shit!

Leukemia, throat cancer, and respiratory illnesses are on the rise. Winds were so high in Memphis, number 9 on America’s Dirtiest Cities listthat it kept a 11XL black garbage bag suspended in the air for hours. To make matters worse, in one neighborhood, unsuspecting children who were walking home from school were attacked when this mysterious black garbage bag, as if possessed, started following them. The children didn’t notice they were being followed until some sort of strange green slime poured on top of one of their heads (yes, trash was still in the bag). The children scattered in opposite directions, however, the wind was so fierce that the 11XL garbage bag was flying flat, allowing it to cover as much ground as possible. Empty-Dominoes-pizza-boxes-with-nothing-but-the-crust-inside was among the trashed items the garbage bag used as weapons on the kids. Adult witnesses who tried to grab and step on the bag, whenever it did temporarily touch the ground, were met with defeat as the bag kept blowing out of reach as if it was a dollar on a string. A 7’1 man who happened to be in the area walking his dog was of no use, as his knees were bad (but you didn’t have to jump; you could’ve just thrown your hands in the air and waved ’em like you just don’t care).

The children, the victims of this heinous crime are reported being “traumatized” by the experience. One mother of one of the boys said she told her son to take out the garbage 3 days later and he just broke down and started crying. He may never throw anything away again. Looks like Ilya Kabakov’s character may have come to life.

Although, this is a horrific incident, maybe, just maybe, there is some plus in this. Maybe now instead of having a measly $10 litter fine for flicking a cigarette butt to worry about, they have their kids to worry about. So the next time you see a person getting ready to flick it, just walk up to them and ask, “But what about the babies?”

Built on top of:

  • High Winds