Tag Archives: wordplay

Protected: Started On Breakfast (WordPresident #22)

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Bomb A** Eggs (WordPresident #20)

Inspired by rain and my son. Only 1000 IQ and Big PP will understand.

Pitter patter of baby Jesus tears on the orange, blue, green and yellow panes
Pitter patter of Jesús tiny feet across the hardwood
Until he knocked the lava lamp to the floor
The higher ground is the coffee table
“Ahhh that’s hot!”
Splishy splashy into the galette des rois
Excuse my French, that’s molten chocolate
Fly like MJ
To the wall, get high like the boyfriend of MJ
Now the tar heels and 10 little piggies are safe in Charlotte’s web
The flash of lightning enlightened him on, where he parked his race car bed
The thunder stole some brodie’s thunder and made the Thunderbird’s alarm go off
Bolted to the bolts and pushed the little red button
“Ahhh that’s not hot!”
Thanks to terrible two’s temper tantrum T-Bird hasn’t left the nest
“Ahhh that’s hot!”
The pitter patter of our amigo off set is 172 centimeters on the growth chart
But the cries in Spanish takes off the popcorn ceiling, my monte negro
“Tell me you’re JKing? That babbling was about something else, baby boy”
“You remember the little red button? Oh! The red button there kid, don’t ever, ever touch the red button!”
“Now I’m kicking these bomb ass scrambled eggs off the airplane”
“Go to your woom and fall asleep at the wheel”
“Look at him! Walking like he drunk” SMH
“Aye, B.C. , please catch some Z’s so my XY can go from E to F in his V”
The F stands for full, not ‘cause you got some of my bomb ass eggs
Only Special K between the box and the bag for U … SWERVE
“You’sa corn pops”
Nah, the hand that rocks the cradle just cares about passing the rock to the hot hand
There’s holes in de-fense
Shoot the J, shoo-shoo-shoot it
No matter if he’s the cereal killer and I’m being a pig, the PTO is still spent having Life for breakfast
So I guess my son caught the W? I’ll take that L and right on cue J-R lets me know it’s the lowercase l to remind me I’m still number 1
But yo! Our last time out, short hand ticked me off asking me to read text messages for his bedtime story
No-no-no-no-no wonder you saying G-G-G-G like 50 Cent instead of goo-goo ga-ga
GN, I’ma let you get some R & R
But at 0600 hours if you don’t have your walkie talkie right the games stop I’m throwing Green Eggs and Ma’am at you

Hush Puppies (WordPresident #19)

Warning: Only people with high iq and big pp will understand the following dankness:

I call ‘em defeated

My dogs are barking in these hush puppies

Dr. Scholl sho’ can talk to animals, said this little piggy didn’t go “wee-wee” when the tears piss bolted to the booties you’re in, the boar cried woof

Foot counting sheep, I’m sleep-walking catching Z’s

The cousin of six-feet-deep easy as A-B-C-1-2-3, when in one position long enough

That’s why the cousin of life is relocation

Even if it’s the same job, least it come with different faces

My boss don’t care if I can barely move

I want a boss that’ll send me home without a box

Now I’m on a busty bus keeping abreast of bottoms up – when they no longer sitting abreast I’m flying like a Great Tit but aww shucks I don’t have strong feet like ‘em and gotta use the poles for support

Then I heard “I’m seeing how you gotta use your hands son. Why don’t you take a seat right over there?” I wanted to bounce these checks

The 13’s, legs open, tongue out, ca-ream, but running back in these kicks isn’t a chief asset

And so the seat got taken from me like a game of musical chairs

I was listening to the 3rd song on Good Girl Gone Bad

I guess they was between “Something In The Way” and “Endless, Nameless”

Uhhh nevermind this is my stop

24 25th Hours (WordPresident #18)

Caution: This is a very slow read.

I unbuttoned my shirt and showed her my taco meat

She unzipped her pants and showed me her taco meat

We both came outta our shell

The sloppy toppings: the sour cream shredded the cheese but let us get use to two’s day

Because we been use to the prefix of the day before, single and alone

And you know what was just making me borderline insane? The fuckin’ day had 24 25th hours

He who wasn’t born with a silver spoon in his mouth lives with a plastic fork in his BFGoodrich

I’m tired of faking like I’m best friends with Benjamin Franklin

When I’m too sick to shake a doctor’s hand, not smart enough to know I’m not equal to a polymath

She told me to name my Ford after her, Alexis

Reached in her Wranglers and gave me $700 in all 20’s for some Goodyears

Became my Alexa on the road to success

Now I just don’t get from A to B

I get from A to Z

That shredded cheese is now cheesecake

How fitting for Juniors first birthday

My lil’ boo-boo gone love the bandaids on Mr. Popular

My big booboo sat on the John longer tonight, determined to have more kids to drop off at the pool

Me, I just wanna break the cycle and take the first R outta ‘farther’ (and put it in Ms.)

Too bad they sound alike, that’s why I like using ‘further’ so it’s no longer confusion this is referring to U

Family all over the same lava floor, under the same popcorn ceiling, talking about flipping houses so we can get hot sauce on our Orville Redenbacher

Shhhh … the previews are starting

Tomorrow should be a big day for my YouTube channel

You Ain’t So Tough (WordPressident #15)

You ain’t so tough
Without your boys
You ain’t said much
What’s all that noise?
I ain’t me when I’m hungry (stop snickering)
And you ain’t you when you’re with your homies
Played the dozens when you had strength in numbers
But when them eggheads was eight miles yonder
You lost control over the 1’s and 2’s when son asked you, “what you say about my mama?”
What ya say, what ya say? Un-huh, “un-un”
Went from a, my mum blew to a mumble
What happen to the W when you had double you’s? I wonder
The man in the mirror moonwalked without a stumble
The glass shattered into a puzzle
The chrome won’t give the explorer an edge over the firefox in the safari, come to
You draw a blank and hundreds of tabs puncture with punctuation
Ay, Caramba! I could rumble, punch your face in, launch your space men
Keyboard warriors with 3, 4 multiple guess why they call it account
Guess why they call it amount
I let you kids throw rocks at my truck
Don’t stop and just truck
‘Cause if I did not y’all are fucked
Won’t have a chance
It’s all downhill for you but an uphill battle for me defending this Avalanche
Like that ain’t what happen man!
I won’t ever rest, or nap again
“Say that again!”
You kittens gotta be kidding spitting how a Siberian tiger should be kicking his writtens
Hissing “It should’ve been the Sierra Altitude Edition …
because of the, you know,” mannnn listen
Pulled you aside when you got beside
Yourself, Team I
Got ya one on one, one by one where you reside
But it really be like …
One bye, two bye, three bye
These guys were seaside
To make it look like a shark attack
Their jaws were at where Jaws was at
Bruce, they called him that before I fed him arms and legs and all of that
But now it’s Bruce Bruce, small and fat
Baby Shark gone have to doo doo doo doo
all the crap on SpongeBob and Pat or breathing how large a task when singing the song in baths?
Don’t you splash free water on my rug, that’s Persian purchased with Paul Manafort money
Something you can’t afford dummy
Man avoid junkies
Pimp hand escort honeys
To the therapist for her neck massage
“Long day at the desk, corsage”
Daisy allergic to lilies
Perfectly silly
L’Oreal, Maybelline, oh what a find!
Rihanna got her own line
Foundations ain’t basic take your time
I wish you could make up your damn mind
Maybe MAC can come out with a MacBook
And you care less about your apple bottom getting fast looks
From men who gave another woman their last, Cooke
Is yours but peep, how the irony unfolds the crease
Wife found the way to your heart, not on the roads or streets
Here comes the airplane through your stomach, with more on the stove to eat
Gross indeed to think about eating groceries with a PINK label
Think stable that’s a mistake bul
Gets a no from me
Your wife is the real rare one … if you sold on Queens, hold and squeeze, and don’t let go for green, go on green … vroommmmm

YouTube update in the comments.

I’ll Call Your Name When You Vacuum (WordPressident #14)

Image via @TheSims
I’m blowing text text text in bubbles,
They tell ya failure,
I’m in trouble,
Swimming 6 feet is a struggle,
Hasselhoff hustle hustle,
You say you, you know me
Blue-blue-blue, blue-blue-blue, blue-blue … blue
Mr. Blankman finish my sentence for me
Started with me wanting the boys to wonder, “Is her bikini bottom real?”
Ends with me finding out Bikini Bottom’s real
Hello, hell low
Sharks circling SquarePants is The Shape Of Water, acute
I am fibbing on the triangles and should octagon before they channel me into a mute
Turn it up mama your baby on TV blink at 182
When I go Down Under tell my little sister I went to Australia and when the water changes color tell my little brother I pee’d in the pool
I love you, you and you
And I promise I’ll see you all very soon
Next time you clean your room
I’ll call your name when you vacuüm
Whatever you do, don’t go looking for me in the front or you’ll be the one living in a vacuüm
Boom!
It’s not over until the fat lady sings
“In your Krispy Kreme dreams”
Boom boom room!

FY,

Har+new

Kiss Peace 💋 🕊

 

Skeletons In My Closet who Took Forever to Get Ready

Broken hangers

Skeletons in my closet who took forever to get ready

About time they finally put on “oh this old thing” they were casket sharp

Let’s give a big hand to The Late Har-old L. Weak, ladies and gentlemen!

Now that goes for the cheer-ren too, let me get a little hand

We meant it when we said trying our Father’s thyme on some cal and deer was gonna have ya moving your seconds hand around like ya wanted to clock somebody

Ya got Sir Wallingford on his hands and knees with Tweety Bird, Twitter Bird, Bryan Williams’ Birdman, Michael Keaton’s Birdman flying around his head

And you on your damn hands and knees for a different reason, begging please, making my flesh crawl

Boy, if you don’t …


I lied down with a dog but I didn’t get up with fleas

I woke up with what I thought was a cold sweat then I realized the company I keep

6-week-old Rottweiler, Pitbull mix I call Darkman after my favorite rapper

Licks my face when I’m sleeping like a Behr to let me know it’s time to paint the town red

Grab my coat for the sure wind

More Benjamins ‘cause X likes to live Royal

Concealed my Ace’s hardware incase I have to make these jokers PPG and get Lowe

Damn if I take any longer to get ready X gonna give it to me and have my place looking like a Shih Tzu

And I’ll only be identified by the teeth of my skeleton key, the canine, on the way out that revolving door is gonna hit you