You, Lucky Dog, You!

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall. Who’s The Best Narcissist Of Them All?

Dear Har-old,

Us yesterday:

Har+new: Why are you always looking in the mirror?

Har-old: Because I look crazy talking to you without one.

Har+new: Ha! You do more “listening” than talking.

Har-old: Okay. Don’t you want me to be a better listener? Isn’t that one of the qualities you’re helping me develop?

Har+new: Yes, but no, that’s not what I meant. You “listen” as an excuse to look.

Har-old: Huh?

Har+new: Since when did blowing kisses while another person is talking make one a great listener? You can’t walk pass a mirror without looking in it, can you?

Har-old: Yes I can!

Har+new: Ha! Not with peripheral vision, you can’t. Remember when you worked at Smith & Nephew? That day you were headed to the restroom and saw Lauren waiting in the lobby? Instead of approaching her and telling her how much you were crushing on her, you ran to the restroom to make sure you looked presentable a-k-a making sure your nose was booger-free. By the time you got back she was long gone.

Har-old: Who knows how long she was sitting there when I saw her? They probably finally saw her after making her wait forever.

Har+new: Or you was in the mirror forever. Hmmm? And when did you start to care if people thought you were crazy or not? Hmmm?

Har-old, this is how I knew Now Wife was the one:

I use to date this girl who was beautiful, I mean stunning, gorgeous, sexy, hot, fine as hell, OH MY GOD BROTHER! But I can only give her those physical compliments, you know, because she was dumb as a rock, man. This broad was … this broad was a complete idiot, Har-old. And one day while we were out on a date I saw my friend Rob. He approached us before we got seated. And you know how if a buddy catches you on a hot date with a hot chick he doesn’t try to take up too much time with small talk but the little time he does take and the small talk he does give is staring at her and complimenting her looks. And, I expected that, you know. And, I was okay with it, ya know … until:

Rob: Har-old, she is beautiful. I mean stunning, gorgeous, sexy, hot, fine as hell, OH MY GOD BROTHER. You, lucky dog, you!

Date: Hahahaha!

Rob: Well, I will get out of you kids way, and let y’all enjoy the rest of y’all’s night.

Har+new: Hold on! Wait a minute! “You, lucky dog, you???”

Rob: What’s that?

Har+new: “You, lucky dog, you?”

Rob: Yeah?

Har+new: Rob, you have known me for many, many years. You know how hard I worked. You know how I busted my ass to get to where I’m at. To get to the top. To get to this position. To establish my wealth. To make my ideas reality. The blood, sweat, tears!  YOU KNOW THAT!

Rob: Har+new, calm down. Calm down, brother.

Har+new: And you know if I was a chick you would totally bang me. This girl … let go of my arm … this girl is a freaking dummy. She may have the beauty but she doesn’t have the brains to match …

I went on for another 10 minutes like this. Suffice to say I got a glass of water thrown in my face. I was SO angry at this girl’s looks that I wanted the next girl to be the smartest girl I’ve ever met with total disregard for her looks. And I found her! While we were out on a date I saw Rob again. This time his little time and small talk was ALL directed at me.

Rob: Well, I will get out of you kids away, and let y’all enjoy the rest of y’all’s night.

Har+new: Hey man! Where are you going???

Rob: Home?

Har+new: You not gone compliment my date on how she looks?

Rob: Why?

Har+new: What you mean why?

Rob: Brother, look at her.

Har+new: *turns head* DAMN, YOU UGLY! Let go of my arm! No, Rob, no! She is smart as hell. She has 4 degrees, okay, Rob. FOUR! She knows 6 active languages and two more arcane and dead ones. You hear me?! Have a conversation with it, HER!. HER! Have one, Rob!

Rob: *scared look on his face* Please, no. I don’t want to. Please don’t make me have one. Please! I beg of you.

I went on for another 5 minutes like this … trying to get Rob to have a conversation with that thing. Suffice to say I got a glass of water thrown in my face … Rob did too. Again, I was SO angry at having a beauty without brains to match or a brainiac without beauty to match that I wanted the next girl to be the best of both worlds. That’s right. I was done being tacky. And, I found her … Now Wife. When Rob caught us out in public you should’ve seen it. His little time and small talk was evenly distributed between me and her. And by this time the phrase “You, Lucky Dog, You” was an inside joke between Rob and I. We told each other whenever we caught the other out on a date or if we talked too extensively about a girl we would say the phrase. And that’s when IT happened:

Rob: Well, I will get out of you kids way, and let y’all enjoy the rest of y’all’s night.

Har+new: Rob, you forgetting something.

Rob: Oh yeah!

Rob gets between us, disconnecting our hand holding, grabs her left arm, lifts her hand up and kisses it and turns to me and says:

Rob: Har+new, I’ve known you for many, many years. She is by far the most attractive woman you’ve ever been with. You, lucky dog, you! Hahahaha!

Har+new: Hahahaha!

Now Wife: Shut the hell up! Both of you! *looks at Rob* Let go of my arm! I’m Not Just A Pretty Face. I appreciate the compliment, I do. But *grabs her face* I’m just renting this for a while. But *points index finger at her head* this is mines to own.

She went on for another 22 minutes like this. Wow! Suffice to say a glass of water was thrown in my face … by myself. I thought I was dreaming.

Maybe you should cover the mirror with post it notes if you can’t stop looking in it. LOOK ON IT! Those are the words that aren’t backwards. Accept my suggestion. You’ll thank *holds right palm up* you’ll blow a kiss at me later.

FY,

Har+new

P.S. Har-old, let’s have a good Friday and make history this weekend strong-end.